How Do I Move Past the Anger?

How do I move past the anger I feel toward my former abusive partner?

The reason a former partner still acts hostile and nasty toward us is because we escaped their abuse. They feel resentment toward us because they still feel some level of involvement.
They enjoy poking at us and trying to get our goat... it's sadly part of the personality of someone who is abusive... it's their way of trying to control us.

We need to learn how to unplug those buttons that they push. That takes work and help... it's not something we will likely be able to accomplish alone. If we don't have a counselor we need to find someone who specializes in abuse and recovery. That is where we will find the tools we need to move past the anger and bitterness.

As long as we continue to hate the abuser we are tying ourselves to them emotionally. Hate and love are the opposite of the same emotion. When our feelings evolve into indifference we will have moved past our own attachment and their antics will appear humerous to us... much like a cartoon character.

Anger does nothing to help in the process. It eats away at our insides and can turn into resentment and bitterness. Compassion is the answer... feeling empathy for their inability to move past their own dysfunction and disease which locks them in their own cycle of pain.

Luckily for us, we don't have to participate in that cycle any longer... but they still do. It's within them and they have no where to run... changing partners doesn't solve the problem because the problem is within them. Seeing the situation is that light helps. It gives us the ability to see past our own anger and see them for the small person they really are...

Dysfunctional and diseased.

I Disliked You The Way You Were, Don't Change!!

What happens in our relationship when we begin our recovery journey? How does our partner respond? These questions often arise when we begin our journey into recovery.

As we adopt a plan to overcome the wounds of the past, we begin to use our newly acquired tools for self care. We may find that we are experiencing new difficulties in our relationship. At first this may seem odd, but when we examine how our new habits effect our daily lives, we can begin to understand the impact on our partner.

We may have had issues that surfaced in much the same ways throughout our relationship. This has become a predictable behavior pattern. When we make changes to our behavior through using our tools, we initially become less predictable. Although this is positive change for both us and our partner in the long view, in the short term the change creates feelings of discomfort. Most of us resist change. We may be unhappy with certain behavior patterns in ourselves or our partner, but we are comfortable within those patterns.

One of the common patterns that surfaces in relationships is caretaking. This occurs when we do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. We may believe that we are helping, but in actuality we are using help as a mechanism of control. Instead of letting the situation develop naturally, we are attempting to create the outcome that we desire. This may seem harmless enough, however caretaking sets the stage for our partner to feel incompetent, as our behavior insinuates that they cannot take care of themselves.

Initially as we begin using our tools to practice self care, we may be caretaking less and allowing others to do for themselves. Although caretaking is not healthy for either us or our partner, our partner is accustomed to us being in that role and may resist change. These change back messages are temporary and need to be met with loving detachment. We explain that change may be uncomfortable, but have confidence that we and our partner will make the necessary adjustments in time.

Change back messages can be quite intense as our partner becomes increasingly uncomfortable with our new behaviors. As we continue to practice loving detachment and reassurance, we will be able to bridge the gap. It is vital at this juncture that we are gentle with our partner. As we set the example of healthy behavior, we anticipate that our partner may eventually become interested in the recovery process.

As we display the peace and calm that comes through the use of our tools and our increased self esteem, we serve as a living example to our partner and others of the benefits of recovery. In this way we give ourselves and our world the gifts that recovery brings, peace.

Self Care in Tough Economic Times

Wall street has raped our economy and now we face the worst recession in decades. The nation pulls together behind our new President to try to keep the recession from becoming a depression. In the process, tens of thousand lose their jobs, their medical coverage, their retirement savings, their homes and their self respect. What do we do if this happens to us?

In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.

We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.

At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.

Work

Every day millions of Americans get up and go to work. They plan their vacations around their jobs. They plan their families lives around when they can get time away from work. This past year over three million people in the United States lost their jobs and cannot find work. In addition to the financial hardship that a lost job creates, there is extreme stress due to the inability of a wage earner to provide for their family. This coupled with the loss of health care coverage creates a home environment ripe for conflict. For a man, self esteem is often tied to a job or job title. For many women this is also the case, but women may have another outlet for esteem building... the family. In either case, the loss of income and health care coverage can be catastrophic.

During times of extreme hardship and stress, support meetings can be a true lifeline. Local YMCA's, churches, synagogues and mosques offer free weekly support meetings. These are places where anonymity is valued and privacy is required. Folks meet to share their stories, hardships, loss and recoveries. All this can give a stressed person hope, showing light at the end of the tunnel. Not only is the support of the group of tantamount importance, but the friendships that grow through attending meetings can become the strongest links in the chain toward recovery, both financial and emotional. The only requirement for getting help is the willingness to ask, and to let another lend a hand up.