Why Do You Talk To Me Like That?

Emotional abuse can be more difficult to detect and more damaging to our sense of self than physical abuse.

When we are being struck we can react to the immediacy of the threat. We are acutely aware of the risk to our safety. There is little doubt as to the violation we are experiencing. Physical violence generally occurs in relationships sporadically. There are episodes, followed by periods of calm which may extend for days, weeks or longer.

Emotional abuse is much more subtle. It generally involves denigrating comments, sarcastic or caustic remarks, or emotional absence. Since it may occur on a daily basis it is more insidious. It may involve a continuous stream of verbal degradation that erodes our self esteem like sand on a beach. Living in this environment of constant tension, the abused partner feels as though they are constantly walking on egg shells. Try as they may, the abuser finds reasons to continue the verbal onslaught.

The critical piece of the puzzle is the realization that abusers don't abuse because they are unhappy with their partner or any other part of their life, they abuse because they have lost touch with the part of themselves that recognizes and values others. This may be called self involvement, selfishness, lack of compassion, narcissism or immaturity. The truth is that the label is unimportant. The effect that the behavior has on the abused partner is traumatic.

One of the reasons that the effect is so marked is that abusers often appear emotionally available and empathetic during the courting phase of a relationship. When that phase ends and the abuse begins, partners often wish to believe that the real person, the one they loved during the courtship phase, is within. The partner may believe that the abuser will return to their former loving self when their conditions are met and demands satisfied.

This could not be further from the truth. The only way for an abuser to change their behavior is to recognize their lack of empathy for others and begin to see themselves as others do. Generally, abusers see themselves as victims and lash out in response. The efforts of their partner in telling them how their behavior affects the relationship feeds into the victim role and adds to the response of abuse.

The abused partner may eventually tire of continuously being berated and become angry or bitter. At this point stiff emotional penalties will become apparent within the relationship. The abused partner may announce a no tolerance policy and begin to avoid interactions. The abuser now faces a choice: change or lose the relationship.

Emotional abuse is one of the most difficult areas to clearly identify within relationships. There is never an acceptable reason or excuse for abuse. Each of us has a choice about how we interact with others. We may become angry or upset with those with whom we are in relationships, but we must choose not to allow ourselves to abuse or be abused. When we behave in concert with our inner values we will be at peace with ourselves and feel comfortable in our own skin. We use our tools to increase our self esteem, find our values and make quality decisions about how we want our relationships to function. In this way we give ourselves the gift of inner peace.

Emotional Abuse: Is There Hope?

How do we become victims of emotional abuse? What does emotional abuse look like? What can we do to repair an emotionally abusive relationship?

Emotional abuse is difficult to define. It doesn't leave bruises on the body, it doesn't break dishes or punch holes in walls. It does, however, leave the victim feeling confused, angry, degraded and wounded. Emotional abusers denigrate their partners with a sharp tongue that cuts like a knife. Words that wound leave deep emotional scars that can last a lifetime. Name calling, sarcasm, vulgarities, litanies of past offenses, screaming tirades, public humiliation, defamation, character assassination, the silent treatment, emotional blackmail and other offenses are among the tools of the abuser.

We may feel terribly afraid and unhappy. We are confused about what has happened to our relationship. We once felt that our partner was our perfect match, but now those times seem to be less and less frequent. We may be questioning our instincts. We feel that we are being treated with disrespect, but we are told that we are at fault. We may be spending a great deal of time crying or feeling despair at our inability to communicate our needs to our partner in a way in which we can be heard and understood. We tell our partner why we are upset, but they seem unwilling or unable to modify their behavior.

This scenario is all to familiar to many of us who have been emotionally abused or are being emotionally abused at the hands of our partner. We are confused by our inability to decide how to proceed, but unable to decide whether to leave the relationship. As a result of the abusers continuous denigrating behavior we are beginning to feel less and less capable. We are slowly suffering from the effects of degraded self esteem.

The cycle of abuse has a distinct pattern. Following incidents, abusers oftentimes apologise for their behavior and actions. They may promise change. The honeymoon phase that follows incidents may include times when we are showered with affection and gifts in an attempt to decrease the abusers sense of guilt and shame. We too are often filled with shame as a result of allowing ourselves to be abused. We may tell virtually no one what is happening, believing what we are told by the abuser, that we are at fault. This combination of low self esteem and shame keeps us locked into the cycle of abuse and makes deciding whether to stay or leave the relationship extremely difficult.

Initially the relationship may have been fulfilling allowing both we and the abuser to enjoy the partnership. Over time, as the incidents became increasingly frequent, both we and the abuser began to feel less and less satisfaction within the relationship. We may feel angry, resentful and hostile over the continued abuse. The abuser, on the other hand, may feel misunderstood and persecuted due to their inability to see their behavior from another point of view.

Our ability to connect the dots and see the interconnection between our enabling behavior in allowing ourselves to remain in an abusive relationship, and the degradation of our self esteem, is paramount to us being able to rebuild our self image and begin to practice self care. Emotional abuse occurs within partnerships gradually, growing worse over time if left ignored. It is imperative that we seek help to increase our understanding of our part in the situation. At the same time, if we are to repair our partnership, the abuser too must desire assistance to change the pattern that has emerged in the relationship.

If both partners are interested in repairing the relationship and willing to do the necessary work to increase their respective self esteem, there is hope for recovery. The key to having hope for improvement is the individual desire of both partners to commit to repairing the relationship. If this commitment is present, both partners may be able to deal individually with their underlying issues in a safe therapeutic environment. Once the process of recovery has begun in earnest and individual progress has been made, learning how to communicate effectively may be possible.

Emotional abuse is not to be ignored. We may not realize how great it's impact is upon us initially. Over time as we become aware of our decreased self esteem, we learn that our enabling behavior has cost us a great deal. It is never too late to learn self care. We ask for help in finding and using tools to rebuilt our shattered ego.

Are You Being Abused?

Domestic violence and abuse is a problem that crosses all ethnic and financial barriers. We would never suspect that good old fellow from the church singing in the choir is an abuser at home. It would be unthinkable to believe that the lovely lady at the beauty salon abuses her partner.

What does abuse look like? It can be extreme, as in repeated beatings, death threats and spousal rape. It can be much less apparent, such as emotional blackmail, limiting activities and funds, jealousy, caustic remarks and sarcasm. It can be constant or periodic. There is a wide range of behaviors that fall under the heading of abuse: physical, emotional and financial.

How do we recognize when we are being abused? The first sign that we are in trouble comes when we don't want to tell our family or friends how we are being treated by our partner. We are ashamed. We begin to enable the abuser by hiding what is happening. We isolate ourselves from our family and friends, fearful that they will sense that something isn't right.

There we are after the slap across the face...shocked...and the abuser says, "Look what you made me do. You just got me so angry! If you hadn't ____________ this would never have happened." We are hurt and angry at first. But the abuser is cunning. He/she tells us that it is our fault and that if we don't do _________ anymore than this will never happen again. He/she is soooo sorry. We are plied with gifts, flowers, affection and a lavish apology. All this attention feels so good after we were treated so badly. We foolishly believe him/her. All is well... for a time.

Soon the tension begins to build again. We can't put our finger on it but we know something is wrong. It gets worse and worse and finally another incident occurs. We are again shocked. We were told that if we fixed ourselves this wouldn't happen again. The abuser blames us again, then follows with another apology and more promises never to let another incident happen. Our gut tells us we are in trouble, but we ignore it. We love the warmth and attention we get after an incident, and once again believe that all is well.

This is the pattern of abuse: tension building, incident, honeymoon phase, tension building, etc. Abusers are addicted to the release they feel when they act out. They cannot control their behavior any more than an active addict. The partner being abused enables the abuser to continue to live within the pattern by not setting effective boundaries early on in the abuse cycle. Once the cycle is set the abuser needs more and more of their "fix" in order to feel good. Incidents may worsen and/or get closer together over time.

If you suspect that you are being abused take action. Get counseling. There are abuse hotlines available all across our country. Call. Reach out. Don't allow isolation to keep you from asking for help. There is no shame in being a victim of abuse. You can protect yourself and your children.