Emotional Abuse: Is There Hope?

How do we become victims of emotional abuse? What does emotional abuse look like? What can we do to repair an emotionally abusive relationship?

Emotional abuse is difficult to define. It doesn't leave bruises on the body, it doesn't break dishes or punch holes in walls. It does, however, leave the victim feeling confused, angry, degraded and wounded. Emotional abusers denigrate their partners with a sharp tongue that cuts like a knife. Words that wound leave deep emotional scars that can last a lifetime. Name calling, sarcasm, vulgarities, litanies of past offenses, screaming tirades, public humiliation, defamation, character assassination, the silent treatment, emotional blackmail and other offenses are among the tools of the abuser.

We may feel terribly afraid and unhappy. We are confused about what has happened to our relationship. We once felt that our partner was our perfect match, but now those times seem to be less and less frequent. We may be questioning our instincts. We feel that we are being treated with disrespect, but we are told that we are at fault. We may be spending a great deal of time crying or feeling despair at our inability to communicate our needs to our partner in a way in which we can be heard and understood. We tell our partner why we are upset, but they seem unwilling or unable to modify their behavior.

This scenario is all to familiar to many of us who have been emotionally abused or are being emotionally abused at the hands of our partner. We are confused by our inability to decide how to proceed, but unable to decide whether to leave the relationship. As a result of the abusers continuous denigrating behavior we are beginning to feel less and less capable. We are slowly suffering from the effects of degraded self esteem.

The cycle of abuse has a distinct pattern. Following incidents, abusers oftentimes apologise for their behavior and actions. They may promise change. The honeymoon phase that follows incidents may include times when we are showered with affection and gifts in an attempt to decrease the abusers sense of guilt and shame. We too are often filled with shame as a result of allowing ourselves to be abused. We may tell virtually no one what is happening, believing what we are told by the abuser, that we are at fault. This combination of low self esteem and shame keeps us locked into the cycle of abuse and makes deciding whether to stay or leave the relationship extremely difficult.

Initially the relationship may have been fulfilling allowing both we and the abuser to enjoy the partnership. Over time, as the incidents became increasingly frequent, both we and the abuser began to feel less and less satisfaction within the relationship. We may feel angry, resentful and hostile over the continued abuse. The abuser, on the other hand, may feel misunderstood and persecuted due to their inability to see their behavior from another point of view.

Our ability to connect the dots and see the interconnection between our enabling behavior in allowing ourselves to remain in an abusive relationship, and the degradation of our self esteem, is paramount to us being able to rebuild our self image and begin to practice self care. Emotional abuse occurs within partnerships gradually, growing worse over time if left ignored. It is imperative that we seek help to increase our understanding of our part in the situation. At the same time, if we are to repair our partnership, the abuser too must desire assistance to change the pattern that has emerged in the relationship.

If both partners are interested in repairing the relationship and willing to do the necessary work to increase their respective self esteem, there is hope for recovery. The key to having hope for improvement is the individual desire of both partners to commit to repairing the relationship. If this commitment is present, both partners may be able to deal individually with their underlying issues in a safe therapeutic environment. Once the process of recovery has begun in earnest and individual progress has been made, learning how to communicate effectively may be possible.

Emotional abuse is not to be ignored. We may not realize how great it's impact is upon us initially. Over time as we become aware of our decreased self esteem, we learn that our enabling behavior has cost us a great deal. It is never too late to learn self care. We ask for help in finding and using tools to rebuilt our shattered ego.

Why Am I Getting The Silent Treatment?

What do we do when our partner won't speak to us for an extended period of time following a disagreement? How do we cope with getting the silent treatment?

Partners in relationships don't always agree. Each of us are individuals with our own wants and needs. Sometimes those wants and needs conflict. There are many ways to deal with conflict in relationships. Effective communication is the key to resolving differences between two parties. Each has their own point of view which may have validity. Both need to feel heard and validated for meaningful discussion to take place leading to compromise.

What happens when our partner doesn't participate in communication or compromise? Following a disagreement our partner may retreat within themselves and refuse to talk for an extended period of time. This type of withdrawal can last hours, days or even weeks. This does not mean they are not communicating. The silent treatment is a form of communication. It may be an unpopular form for us, the recipient, but it can be quite effective. Our partner is communicating their feelings quite clearly. Their non-verbal message says,"Do what I want" clear as a bell. It says something else as well. It says, "I am unwilling to listen to your opinion, negotiate or compromise".

This extended period of silence is a form of emotional blackmail. Many partners may need some time to process after a disagreement. However, when the time taken has nothing to do with processing and everything to do with punishing, we are no longer dealing with healthy self care, but with unhealthy emotional blackmail. This type of punishing behavior leaves us out in the cold. Our partner believes they can use their anger and silence to control us.

The unsaid message, however, speaks volumes. The emotional blackmailer is unwilling to communicate in an open forum where we can put forth our opinion. Our partner may feel frightened of direct communication. They may not feel adept at defending their views. Alternatively, the emotional blackmailer may feel shamed regarding their lack of ability to communicate or explain their feelings, leading them to refuse to talk at all. Finally, this may be a habit learned from a dysfunctional family of origin during childhood. If caretakers handled conflict in this manner, this may well be the only style our partner has known.

It is difficult to deal with emotional blackmail. The silent treatment may cause bitterness and resentment over time as partners build walls instead of bridges. Stressing the safety of our partner in the relationship and the importance of communication is a beginning. We, as the communicator, have the responsibility to continue to reach out to our partner with loving detachment.

During times when all is calm and we feel centered, we can lovingly set a boundary with our partner that is comfortable for us regarding the time we will tolerate silence. We then enforce that boundary by detaching when our partner becomes silent. We lovingly let them know that we are going to take care of ourselves and enjoy our time without them. They can contact us by telephone when they are again ready to speak. We reinforce that we are not angry and that we look forward to seeing them again when they feel better.

In this way we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy our time without having to witness their attempt at emotional blackmail. Our partner learns that if they want to enjoy time with us, they cannot continue this mode of behavior. When we reconnect we do so in a loving manner. This leaves our partner to begin to deal with their feelings in a new way. Patience and loving detachment are the keys to moving a relationship past emotional blackmail and the silent treatment. As difficult and time consuming as it may be, it is imperative to ensuring the long term survival of the relationship.

Are You Being Abused?

Domestic violence and abuse is a problem that crosses all ethnic and financial barriers. We would never suspect that good old fellow from the church singing in the choir is an abuser at home. It would be unthinkable to believe that the lovely lady at the beauty salon abuses her partner.

What does abuse look like? It can be extreme, as in repeated beatings, death threats and spousal rape. It can be much less apparent, such as emotional blackmail, limiting activities and funds, jealousy, caustic remarks and sarcasm. It can be constant or periodic. There is a wide range of behaviors that fall under the heading of abuse: physical, emotional and financial.

How do we recognize when we are being abused? The first sign that we are in trouble comes when we don't want to tell our family or friends how we are being treated by our partner. We are ashamed. We begin to enable the abuser by hiding what is happening. We isolate ourselves from our family and friends, fearful that they will sense that something isn't right.

There we are after the slap across the face...shocked...and the abuser says, "Look what you made me do. You just got me so angry! If you hadn't ____________ this would never have happened." We are hurt and angry at first. But the abuser is cunning. He/she tells us that it is our fault and that if we don't do _________ anymore than this will never happen again. He/she is soooo sorry. We are plied with gifts, flowers, affection and a lavish apology. All this attention feels so good after we were treated so badly. We foolishly believe him/her. All is well... for a time.

Soon the tension begins to build again. We can't put our finger on it but we know something is wrong. It gets worse and worse and finally another incident occurs. We are again shocked. We were told that if we fixed ourselves this wouldn't happen again. The abuser blames us again, then follows with another apology and more promises never to let another incident happen. Our gut tells us we are in trouble, but we ignore it. We love the warmth and attention we get after an incident, and once again believe that all is well.

This is the pattern of abuse: tension building, incident, honeymoon phase, tension building, etc. Abusers are addicted to the release they feel when they act out. They cannot control their behavior any more than an active addict. The partner being abused enables the abuser to continue to live within the pattern by not setting effective boundaries early on in the abuse cycle. Once the cycle is set the abuser needs more and more of their "fix" in order to feel good. Incidents may worsen and/or get closer together over time.

If you suspect that you are being abused take action. Get counseling. There are abuse hotlines available all across our country. Call. Reach out. Don't allow isolation to keep you from asking for help. There is no shame in being a victim of abuse. You can protect yourself and your children.

Disagreements

What happens when partners in a relationship disagree? There are choices available about how to deal with differences. Our first reaction to any conflict is often to handle it in the way our family of origin coped with disagreements. We may erupt with anger or rage, we may sulk and fume, we may shut down, or we can dialogue.

In many families of origin there are no communication skills. When disagreements arise all parties go to their corners to sulk and fume in silence. Nothing is discussed, no compromise is reached and solutions are improbable. In due time, all parties resume the relationship with the silently agreed rule that discussion of the the conflict will not occur. The unsaid rule in this type of family are: don't think (for yourself), don't talk (at all), don't feel. Communication and dialog are not valued and are not exemplified.

In other families of origin, parties scream and yell at one another hurling epithets and erupting with rage. In these situations old transgressions may be revisited with accompanying anger. Parties to the dispute rarely listen to one another and all leave the arena with hurt feelings and little or nothing accomplished. Nothing is discussed, no compromise is reached and solutions are improbable. The unsaid rule in this type of family are: don't think (for yourself), don't talk (just scream and yell), don't feel. Communication may be evident, but effective communication rarely occurs. When any party is screaming and enraged no one can listen to any intended messages.

Another family of origin pattern may be for one member to voice their view and all others accede to their demands... or else!! Or else what? The one who dominates may use the tools of emotional blackmail and the silent treatment to insure cooperation. Refusal to accede to demands results in punishment. Hours, days or weeks of silence. No amount of cajoling works with punishers. They are intent on teaching lessons. The lesson? If any rebellion occurs within the family structure, misery follows for all. Not only will the punisher press for demands to be met, but others in the family system who cannot tolerate punishment will create peer pressure to conform. In this family there is no open communication at all. No one is valued. The unspoken rules are: don't think, don't talk, don't feel.

There is one model which does provide for communication and feedback... dialog. Dialog allows each party to the relationship to have a voice and be heard. Those speaking have the undivided attention of their partner until they are understood. Those listening can be fully attentive knowing that they will have their turn to express their views and be heard. When dialog occurs, each party feels understood and valued for their opinions. In this way a viable compromise can be reached. This type of listening skill strengthens the bond in partnerships allowing both parties to feel valued for themselves. Attentive listening without forming opinions gives the speaker increased self esteem. In partnerships where both parties views are valued and open communication is present, participants have the opportunity to learn from one other, trading experience and wisdom, rather than anger, rage, manipulation and wounds.