If you don't want the truth... don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated... go eat a donut.
Today while surfing online I read a post that struck me. It really got me thinking... do we want to hear the truth when we come to a counselor looking for support? Or are we just there to have someone reinforce our own point of view? Are we looking for truth or validation?
Personally, I think we attend counseling to allow another to tell us the truth. It may be the awful truth... it may be something we'd rather not hear... but in the end what we really desire is for someone... anyone... to finally be 100% honest with us.
Why do I think that is the case? Because for many of us we have been deceived and manipulated by others for so long that we doubt our ability to discern the truth. We have lost our innate trust in our own gut.
It may have happened when we were kids and our parents refused to discuss the elephant in the room... an alcoholic or abusive parent or sibling for example... and we began to believe that somehow we were wrong. We saw that elephant... didn't they? Why wouldn't they talk to us about it? Why did they insist it wasn't there? Were we unable to properly distinguish reality? They are big... we are small... they know what's real... we don't. We are scared by this difference in perception. In order to feel safe we decide to believe they are right.
Here we are... many years later. We try to select a partner with whom to create a life. We pick someone who "feels right". All goes well at first... we then discover we have chosen a person who mirrors some of the same dysfunction we experienced in our childhoods. It "felt right" because as dysfunctional as our childhoods may have been... it's comfortable... familiar.
Years pass and we and our partner drift apart. We come to counseling and we vent... we cry... we allow ourselves to be seen in all our pain. We want answers. We want someone... anyone... to finally tell us why this happened in our relationship.
Finally we begin to see the truth. We are told something in counseling that infuriates us and realize we are still reacting to the same old pain. Sometimes we read a book and see ourselves in a new light. Sometimes others situations are similar and we learn from their wisdom. However it happens... we learn more about ourselves through the process.
In the end we come through the experience with new wisdom... an inner strength we never knew existed... and discover serenity and acceptance.
Showing posts with label vent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vent. Show all posts
Monday, January 3, 2011
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Cloaking Vulnerability with Anger
Some of the most important issues responsible for anger, particularly in men, are fear and shame. Feelings of inadequacy may be a trigger to his anger because those feelings of inadequacy are either shame or fear based. Resentments in a relationship may often be a result of building walls instead of bridges where feelings of inadequacy spur shame and fear. But, the underlying cause is still shame and fear. The resentment may be the symptom, not the cause.
Behavior which agrees with one's inner values is vital to being a comfortable human being. However, having vulnerable feelings is something that men in our society are taught from earliest times not to do, eg: big boys don't cry, suck it up, man it up, etc, etc. All these phrases tell men that it's not manly or okay to have vulnerable feelings. When men have those feelings they feel wimpy or girly or faggy. None of these tags are positive and therefore having vulnerable feelings is seen as unmanly and and weak by men themselves. Anger is an effective defense mechanism for cloaking vulnerable feelings, since it is a socially acceptable emotion for men to portray. Anger is manly, macho, primitive and fearsome. These tags are positive in the man's world.
The additional pressure in a relationship to be intimate and allow for human error and flexibility may draw men even further into the depths of despair when coming face to face with vulnerable feelings. It is common for folks to project their feelings onto others when upsetting issues come to the forefront. Men are no exception. When vulnerability surfaces they most often look to their partners to blame outward, whereas women most often tend to blame inward, accepting that this vulnerability may be their doing - whether earned or not. Anger again is a socially acceptable alternative to choosing vulnerability. Men tough it out! There's strong and then there's Army strong! Not the poster child for vulnerability.
The societal erosion of men's self esteem in this area of vulnerability is, I believe, quite serious. Sam Keen, in his book, Fire in the Belly, states that men are the canaries in the coal mine regarding the state of our nation in the area of emotional availability. I firmly believe that men's groups that allow men a safe place to vent and speak about their issues with other men in a safe environment, is the most important step we have taken in the recovery movement toward addressing these very difficult issues.
Behavior which agrees with one's inner values is vital to being a comfortable human being. However, having vulnerable feelings is something that men in our society are taught from earliest times not to do, eg: big boys don't cry, suck it up, man it up, etc, etc. All these phrases tell men that it's not manly or okay to have vulnerable feelings. When men have those feelings they feel wimpy or girly or faggy. None of these tags are positive and therefore having vulnerable feelings is seen as unmanly and and weak by men themselves. Anger is an effective defense mechanism for cloaking vulnerable feelings, since it is a socially acceptable emotion for men to portray. Anger is manly, macho, primitive and fearsome. These tags are positive in the man's world.
The additional pressure in a relationship to be intimate and allow for human error and flexibility may draw men even further into the depths of despair when coming face to face with vulnerable feelings. It is common for folks to project their feelings onto others when upsetting issues come to the forefront. Men are no exception. When vulnerability surfaces they most often look to their partners to blame outward, whereas women most often tend to blame inward, accepting that this vulnerability may be their doing - whether earned or not. Anger again is a socially acceptable alternative to choosing vulnerability. Men tough it out! There's strong and then there's Army strong! Not the poster child for vulnerability.
The societal erosion of men's self esteem in this area of vulnerability is, I believe, quite serious. Sam Keen, in his book, Fire in the Belly, states that men are the canaries in the coal mine regarding the state of our nation in the area of emotional availability. I firmly believe that men's groups that allow men a safe place to vent and speak about their issues with other men in a safe environment, is the most important step we have taken in the recovery movement toward addressing these very difficult issues.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Journaling
One of the most useful tools in our bag is journaling. Writing down how we think and feel preserves a moment in time. We can use this tool to clarify our views on an issue with which we are struggling. We can use it to vent when we are angry. We can use it when we need to express grief over a loss. We can use it to soothe ourselves when we are scared. Since our journal is completely private, we can use it to express feelings to others in a safe environment where we are not judged or criticized. We can even use it to express joy when we are happy.
Journaling gives us the opportunity to save our thoughts and feelings in a moment when we may be overwhelmed by emotion or confusion. We then take some time for self care, bringing us back to our center. Our journal becomes an opportunity to return to our entry later when we feel calm and centered and can process our feelings more fully with both our intellect and emotions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of time. Time to become ready to deal with the issues that have presented themselves. Many of life's challenges are areas where no solution is readily apparent. Often, through journaling, we can develop a changed paradigm where we can see a wider view. Through this process we become more holistic, more able to see the world through the eyes of others.
As we practice journaling we will develop a record of our progress and growth. Without a written record, we might be unable to see ourselves in a new light, as personal change and growth happens slowly and is often invisible to ourselves. Through our journal entries we can travel back through our past selves and witness the changes in our thinking and emotional response. This is another gift we give ourselves through the tools of self care and journaling.
Journaling gives us the opportunity to save our thoughts and feelings in a moment when we may be overwhelmed by emotion or confusion. We then take some time for self care, bringing us back to our center. Our journal becomes an opportunity to return to our entry later when we feel calm and centered and can process our feelings more fully with both our intellect and emotions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of time. Time to become ready to deal with the issues that have presented themselves. Many of life's challenges are areas where no solution is readily apparent. Often, through journaling, we can develop a changed paradigm where we can see a wider view. Through this process we become more holistic, more able to see the world through the eyes of others.
As we practice journaling we will develop a record of our progress and growth. Without a written record, we might be unable to see ourselves in a new light, as personal change and growth happens slowly and is often invisible to ourselves. Through our journal entries we can travel back through our past selves and witness the changes in our thinking and emotional response. This is another gift we give ourselves through the tools of self care and journaling.
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