Violence, Extremism and Self-care

Recently there has been significantly more violence in our own country and throughout the world.  Each event evokes a new wave of feelings…  helplessness, anger, bitterness, frustration and fear.

It is displayed on television and heard on the radio over and over again in vivid detail, causing us more anguish and creating more fear.  It has been shocking to see human beings devolve into hate and bigotry.  Somewhere along the way we seem to have forgotten that we are all part of the human race.

Recovery demands that we continually ask the question when challenges occur, "How did I contribute to this mess?".  Shouldn’t we ask that question in the face of the violent acts we witness today?  We are so eager to take three steps backward and point the finger at others to assign blame.  Why?  Why do we default to blame, bowing to fear, instead of confronting our own issues when difficulties arise?  Is our recovery so fragile that we cannot look ourselves in the mirror and have enough courage to see the truth?

In allowing ourselves to take the easy path of blame and fear we create more problems than we solve.  By not taking the route we know to be the road of recovery…  self evaluation…  we add more obstacles and create more barriers.

The answer is deceptively simple.  Each of us needs to be self responsible.  Instead of trying to control outcomes and others we need to take the more difficult step of self-control.  Although it is simple, it is not easy to practice self-control and effective boundaries.  For many of us our default position is to try to “fix it”.  Although we know this is not the correct path.  When we are frightened and overwhelmed it is easy to backslide.

We must, as part of the human race, realize that our actions and words have consequences.  We cannot blame innocents for the actions of others simply because they may share either the same race, religion or sexual preference.  We must begin to view our actions as others see them…  not just through the myopic lens of bigotry.  It is imperative that we embrace the values we know in our beings to be valid and not succumb to fear and blame.

All human beings are valuable.  All human beings are fallible… including us.  When we come to realize that we are part of the problem we are ready to find a solution.  So long as we believe we are without fault we can continue to play the role of victim.

By practicing self-care and using our tools we can avoid becoming stuck in the victim role and can experience the warmth and love we each have to offer the world and the human race.

What keeps a relationship alive?

Why do some relationships flourish  and others fail.   What is it about certain relationships  that seem to strengthen over the years rather than wither.

My parents celebrated their 65th anniversary this year. My Dad is 90, my Mom 84.   They have been together since she was 19 and he was 25.   Their relationship is incredibly strong. They have weathered storms of  poverty, illness,  the deaths of their own parents  and many friends.   Yet they have remained best friends throughout.

I recently asked my mother what her secret was in the success of her relationship  with my father.   She told me that she always sees the glass as half full...  that life is filled with struggles but struggling alongside someone you care deeply about makes life better...  that second chances are earned through years of caring and devotion when missteps happen...  and that loving someone isn't just a word but a commitment to do the work.

I have great respect for both of them...  they have come through the storms of life without losing the lessons...   something I aspire to duplicate in my own life.

A Gift Or A Burden?

How do we enhance our recovery?  How do we avoid back sliding into old habits?  What do we do when we discover...  to our chagrin...  that we have backslid and are once again caretaking?

There are many ways we can stay plugged into the recovery community and the multitude of benefits that it breathes into our lives.  We can attend whatever meetings are available to us that meet our needs.  We can join a group of like minded thinkers... whether that means group therapy or just a group that gets together and has coffee and shares.  We can read recovery material.  There are unlimited avenues to pursue both in print and online.  We can find a sponsor...  a guide...  to lead us through the maze of recovery and keep us in check.  We can practice greatfulness...  a vital part of recovery.  And finally, we can find others with whom we can learn to play.

One of the ways we can avoid backsliding into old habits is to remain open to the observations of those with whom we associate every day...  our partner...  our children...  our coworkers...  our friends.  Some comments may sting, but we must believe in our hearts that the lessons learned are worth whatever momentary discomfort we may experience.  We can choose to make note of their words in the moment they are spoken and wait for another time when we are alone to think through the comment.  Is there some validity to the message?  Are we crossing another's boundaries?  Are we caretaking when we should be allowing others to do for themselves... even if that may cause them to suffer consequesnces we wish them to avoid?  When we are honest with ourselves we will know the correct answer to these and any other questions that may require an answer. 

We must avoid isolating...  pulling ourselves apart from that which we know is healthy...  friendships...  recovery tools...  taking time for self care...  learning to play.  When we continue on the path that we know is in our best interests we will be at peace with ourselves and a gift to those we care about.  In this way we practice self care and bring ourselves to our relationships as a gift...  not a burden. 

Evolution Is A Thing

Sometimes other folks thoughts are so excellent that they deserve to be reposted...  Enjoy.

Evolution is a thing
By Will Femia - Thu Nov 8, 2012 1:00 AM EST.


Ohio really did go to the president last night.

And he really did win.
And he really was born in Hawaii.
And he really is -legitimately- President of the United States.
Again.

And the Bureau of Labor Statistics did not make-up a fake unemployment rate last month.
And the Congressional Research Service really can find no evidence
That cutting taxes on rich people grows the economy.

And the polls were not skewed to over-sample Democrats.
And Nate Silver was not making up fake projections about the election
To make conservatives feel bad.
He was doing math.
And climate change is real.
And rape really does cause pregnancy sometimes.
And evolution is a thing.
And Benghazi was an attack on us.
It was not a scandal by us.

And no one is taking away anyone's guns.
And taxes haven't gone up.
And the deficit is dropping, actually.
And Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction.

And the moon landing was real.
And FEMA isn't building concentration camps.
And UN election observers aren't taking over Texas.
And moderate reforms of the regulations on the insurance industry
And the financial services industry
Are not the same thing as communism.
Listen.

Adapted from The Rachel Maddow Show 11/7

It's Just Rough Sex!!

The clean shaven guy in the suit sat with his female attorney by his side, her hand on this arm.  Hey...  it was just rough sex...  she liked it...  she was flirting with me...  I just gave her what she wanted... she was old enough to know what she was doing.  That's what the rapist said on the stand.  That's why he got away with it...  again!! 

Rape is a crime.   period...

44% of rape victims are under 18 years of age.... 80% are under 30 years of age... approximately 200,000 women are raped each year in the United States... 54% of rapes are never reported to the police... 97% of rapists never spend one day in jail.

Look at these sobering statistics. If the Supreme Court should overturn Roe vs Wade because a President appointed an anti-choice judge?  If congress passed a law signed by an anti-choice President that makes abortion in America illegal...  with exceptions in cases of rape, incest or the life of the mother?

Just exactly who determines if the woman was raped?  If the rapist says it was consensual sex who do politicians believe?  Do we wait until a jury decides?  By then it may be too far along in the pregnancy...  Do we let the police decide?  Do we let the health insurance industry decide?  Who decides?  How exactly do we create a working policy that supports such a position?

It is demoralizing, demeaning and soul crushing to be raped.  To be forced to carry the child of a rapist to term because politicians in your own government decided to outlaw access to safe abortion is to strike at the very essence of freedom for women throughout the world.  We in America are supposed to be a shining light... an example of decency and humanity to the rest of the world... a proponent of womens rights for other countries to emulate.

The founding principles of our country are that we as immigrants came here to escape religious persecution... not to create it.  If your faith allows you to believe that life begins at conception that is your perogative and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.  If you don't believe that there is a God, you have that right and no one can tell you otherwise.  But neither the person who believes that life begins at conception nor the person who doesn't believe there is a God have the right to impose their beliefs on anyone else.  That is the essence of the religious freedom that we cherish so dearly in America.  That is the reason for the separation of Church and State that has kept our country sane for all these years.

Women are intellegent, hard working human beings who are capable of deciding within their own heart how best to deal with such a horrific situation.  We do not need anyone to make our decisions for us.  We do not need to be fixed...  we only need validation from those whom we love and cherish. 

Let us not pursue a course that begins the very persecution that our forebears left behind when they came to America and founded our nation over 200 years ago.

Please think carefully about what kind of nation we are leaving our daughters and grandaughters... We are responsible for the consequences of our choices today.

Bedtime Story

Let me tell you a bedtime story...

I open my eyes and blearily look around the room.  It's barely light outside.  I can see the leaves through the crack between where the window shade ends and the sill begins.  They are turning different hues of orange and red.  I still see a few that are green.  It must be autumn.  The room looks the same as it does each day.  Oddly familiar but strange.  I struggle to sit up.  Everytime I move some part of me hurts.  It feels as though I have been beaten within an inch of my life.  I sigh.  There's no point...  my head feels fuzzy and I can't remember.  After a very long time I stand.  I feel unsteady and grip the bars along the bottom of the bed.   They too seem odd...  I don't recall them being there the last time I stood in this room.   I shuffle along to the door and try the handle.  As usual it's locked.  I walk very slowly back to the bed and stop to rest.  I feel exhausted...  drained...  I look across the polished wooden floor to the mirror hanging just above the dresser.  I stand and walk over to the dresser staring at the woman who looks back at me with hollow eyes and gaunt cheeks.  Part of me knows who she is and why she is here...  but another part of me is filled with rising panic as I stare into her vacant gaze.  Suddently the woman in the mirror sneers at me  spitting epithets and vile accusations.  I cover my ears and turn away in horror.  I cross quickly to the bed and slink under the covers hugging my pillow and rocking myself.  Soon I hear the sound of the door being unlocked and the woman comes into the room.  She reaches out to touch my head and I cringe but she strokes my hair gently.  I hear the sound of her footsteps back across the floor then the click of the lock. And soon I fall back to sleep. 

Who is this woman? 
Why is she locked in this room? 
Why is she so terrified?
What has happened to her? 

Rusty Tools and WD40

It's been a while since I've been here... blogging in the ether... but it's been for a good cause. I have been working hard on finishing my book. I had no idea just how difficult it would be to write an entire book that makes sense and has a beginning... a middle... and, of course, an end. Now that I am nearing completion I must say that I am proud that I will be finished with the final editing within a few months.

In the interim we have all grown... lived our lives... confronted our issues and become a greater part of the recovery community. There have been ups and downs... all relationships have times when we feel stuck... but we drag out the old tools... clean off the rust and begin using them once again.

Even if our tools have become so rusty that we have forgotten what to do with them, we can soak them in a bit of WD40 overnight and get them lubricated and moving once again. How do we do that? We pull out our old recovery materials and reread the pieces that have meaning to us in the present. Maybe we are dealing with frustration ~ this book is taking me forever ~ or anger ~ another day of writer's block... ugh! Regardless, we have tools to get us through those times when our emotions are screaming that we are overwhelmed and our head is telling us to take a time out and practice self care.

No matter how long we have been in recovery... days, weeks, months or even years... it makes no difference. We can become overwhelmed in a matter of moments and forget our tools. We need only to be reminded that they are always there waiting for us to take them out of the tool bag and put them to good use!!