When we start our journey into recovery we are excited, anticipating the boundless future we have ahead of us. We dive headlong into our work, eager to make changes, unblock our joy, increase our self esteem, find our happiness.
But the road ahead is long and filled with potholes. We take three steps forward and two steps back. For some, we feel for the first time in our adult lives. We may be overwhelmed with experiencing emotion. We hear negative self talk when all is quiet. We criticize our missteps and berate ourselves for not learning as fast as we might like. We wonder... will it ever be easy... will it ever come naturally... will we ever achieve our goals? We fight the changes, they are uncomfortable. We feel awkward. We begin to second guess ourselves... is this really going to help? Is this a waste of time? We question whether it is really possible for us to make changes. Our belief falters.
But then, we begin to see ourselves in a new light. Our self deception slips away and we glimpse ourselves as others see us. We see our underlying beliefs and begin to understand how they have effected the choices we have made in our daily lives. We start to see that our decisions have led us to our current circumstances. We realize that we can effect the outcome of our daily lives by becoming more present in the moment, responding rather than reacting and using our tools for self care. Our path becomes clearer and we begin to trust the recovery process once again. In this way we give ourselves the gift of patience. Patience with ourselves and patience with the recovery process.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Disagreements
What happens when partners in a relationship disagree? There are choices available about how to deal with differences. Our first reaction to any conflict is often to handle it in the way our family of origin coped with disagreements. We may erupt with anger or rage, we may sulk and fume, we may shut down, or we can dialogue.
In many families of origin there are no communication skills. When disagreements arise all parties go to their corners to sulk and fume in silence. Nothing is discussed, no compromise is reached and solutions are improbable. In due time, all parties resume the relationship with the silently agreed rule that discussion of the the conflict will not occur. The unsaid rule in this type of family are: don't think (for yourself), don't talk (at all), don't feel. Communication and dialog are not valued and are not exemplified.
In other families of origin, parties scream and yell at one another hurling epithets and erupting with rage. In these situations old transgressions may be revisited with accompanying anger. Parties to the dispute rarely listen to one another and all leave the arena with hurt feelings and little or nothing accomplished. Nothing is discussed, no compromise is reached and solutions are improbable. The unsaid rule in this type of family are: don't think (for yourself), don't talk (just scream and yell), don't feel. Communication may be evident, but effective communication rarely occurs. When any party is screaming and enraged no one can listen to any intended messages.
Another family of origin pattern may be for one member to voice their view and all others accede to their demands... or else!! Or else what? The one who dominates may use the tools of emotional blackmail and the silent treatment to insure cooperation. Refusal to accede to demands results in punishment. Hours, days or weeks of silence. No amount of cajoling works with punishers. They are intent on teaching lessons. The lesson? If any rebellion occurs within the family structure, misery follows for all. Not only will the punisher press for demands to be met, but others in the family system who cannot tolerate punishment will create peer pressure to conform. In this family there is no open communication at all. No one is valued. The unspoken rules are: don't think, don't talk, don't feel.
There is one model which does provide for communication and feedback... dialog. Dialog allows each party to the relationship to have a voice and be heard. Those speaking have the undivided attention of their partner until they are understood. Those listening can be fully attentive knowing that they will have their turn to express their views and be heard. When dialog occurs, each party feels understood and valued for their opinions. In this way a viable compromise can be reached. This type of listening skill strengthens the bond in partnerships allowing both parties to feel valued for themselves. Attentive listening without forming opinions gives the speaker increased self esteem. In partnerships where both parties views are valued and open communication is present, participants have the opportunity to learn from one other, trading experience and wisdom, rather than anger, rage, manipulation and wounds.
In many families of origin there are no communication skills. When disagreements arise all parties go to their corners to sulk and fume in silence. Nothing is discussed, no compromise is reached and solutions are improbable. In due time, all parties resume the relationship with the silently agreed rule that discussion of the the conflict will not occur. The unsaid rule in this type of family are: don't think (for yourself), don't talk (at all), don't feel. Communication and dialog are not valued and are not exemplified.
In other families of origin, parties scream and yell at one another hurling epithets and erupting with rage. In these situations old transgressions may be revisited with accompanying anger. Parties to the dispute rarely listen to one another and all leave the arena with hurt feelings and little or nothing accomplished. Nothing is discussed, no compromise is reached and solutions are improbable. The unsaid rule in this type of family are: don't think (for yourself), don't talk (just scream and yell), don't feel. Communication may be evident, but effective communication rarely occurs. When any party is screaming and enraged no one can listen to any intended messages.
Another family of origin pattern may be for one member to voice their view and all others accede to their demands... or else!! Or else what? The one who dominates may use the tools of emotional blackmail and the silent treatment to insure cooperation. Refusal to accede to demands results in punishment. Hours, days or weeks of silence. No amount of cajoling works with punishers. They are intent on teaching lessons. The lesson? If any rebellion occurs within the family structure, misery follows for all. Not only will the punisher press for demands to be met, but others in the family system who cannot tolerate punishment will create peer pressure to conform. In this family there is no open communication at all. No one is valued. The unspoken rules are: don't think, don't talk, don't feel.
There is one model which does provide for communication and feedback... dialog. Dialog allows each party to the relationship to have a voice and be heard. Those speaking have the undivided attention of their partner until they are understood. Those listening can be fully attentive knowing that they will have their turn to express their views and be heard. When dialog occurs, each party feels understood and valued for their opinions. In this way a viable compromise can be reached. This type of listening skill strengthens the bond in partnerships allowing both parties to feel valued for themselves. Attentive listening without forming opinions gives the speaker increased self esteem. In partnerships where both parties views are valued and open communication is present, participants have the opportunity to learn from one other, trading experience and wisdom, rather than anger, rage, manipulation and wounds.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Dearest Readers
Dearest readers... absence from my blog for the last three days has been the result of a family difficulty that erupted during this past week. This was a dose of reality that was quite distasteful. Fortunately I was able to reach into my tool bag and find that I had the tools to help me get through this very difficult time. I used all the tools available to ease my stress.
After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.
I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.
I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.
After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.
I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.
I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Shame
Shame... guilt... two concepts that get confused when talking about our feelings. What is the difference between shame and guilt? Guilt is the result when our actions don't match our values. When we do something that goes against our belief system, our inner voice tells us that we have breached our own boundaries. We feel guilt as a result of that action, often coupled with regret. These feelings are a warning to us, a red light, that tells us that our actions are not acceptable to ourselves. They may be an indicator of impending danger or consequences. Guilt, when earned, is a healthy reminder by our conscience to more closely monitor our own behavior. Guilt says, "What I have done is not okay." It is a judgement of our actions.
Shame says, "I am not okay." It is a judgement of us. Shame arises when we have suffered grave humiliation at the hands of another. We may not recognize that we have been shamed. We may have been too small when the incident occurred to understand the underlying message, but the message got through and we feel that we are not good enough. It can happen when a teacher calls upon a student in class who is day dreaming and doesn't know the question, let alone the answer. The teacher's cutting remark can wound that student leaving him/her feeling shamed. It can happen when a parent is having a bad day and shrieks at a child to just leave them alone.
The scars from shame are deep wounds that become triggers later in life and leave us emotionally unavailable. That wounded child in school may feel inadequate in all aspects of learning regardless of achievements. The scolded child may be unable to tolerate others anger as an adult. Shame fuels the demon, low self esteem, leading to insecurities and defense mechanisms designed to keep others at a distance.
When we are triggered as shamed adults, we react with the passion from the initial wound. We are unable to remain emotionally in the present. We cannot differentiate between that which happened long ago and that which is happening in the now. As a result of this, we can severely damage current relationships. Our inability to distinguish past events from the present causes our partners to collapse under the weight of our reactions to our triggers. We owe it to our partners to pursue recovery from shame. Learning to use our tools to empower us to overcome the prison of triggers will enhance our daily lives. We will overcome our shame, increase our self esteem, minimize our insecurities and be able to lessen our use of defense mechanisms. We do this to give ourselves the gift of emotional availability.
Shame says, "I am not okay." It is a judgement of us. Shame arises when we have suffered grave humiliation at the hands of another. We may not recognize that we have been shamed. We may have been too small when the incident occurred to understand the underlying message, but the message got through and we feel that we are not good enough. It can happen when a teacher calls upon a student in class who is day dreaming and doesn't know the question, let alone the answer. The teacher's cutting remark can wound that student leaving him/her feeling shamed. It can happen when a parent is having a bad day and shrieks at a child to just leave them alone.
The scars from shame are deep wounds that become triggers later in life and leave us emotionally unavailable. That wounded child in school may feel inadequate in all aspects of learning regardless of achievements. The scolded child may be unable to tolerate others anger as an adult. Shame fuels the demon, low self esteem, leading to insecurities and defense mechanisms designed to keep others at a distance.
When we are triggered as shamed adults, we react with the passion from the initial wound. We are unable to remain emotionally in the present. We cannot differentiate between that which happened long ago and that which is happening in the now. As a result of this, we can severely damage current relationships. Our inability to distinguish past events from the present causes our partners to collapse under the weight of our reactions to our triggers. We owe it to our partners to pursue recovery from shame. Learning to use our tools to empower us to overcome the prison of triggers will enhance our daily lives. We will overcome our shame, increase our self esteem, minimize our insecurities and be able to lessen our use of defense mechanisms. We do this to give ourselves the gift of emotional availability.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Emotional Flashbacks
Visualize the following: You're out to dinner with your partner. The ambiance is warm and inviting, the food is delicious, the company charming. The meal ends and you both walk out of the restaurant arm in arm, laughing and talking. Abruptly the conversation changes and you find yourself in the midst of an argument. What happened?
When we enter into relationships we don't arrive empty handed. We bring to the table both expectations and baggage. Expectations come to us during our childhood. We observe the interactions of our family of origin. We watch as our caretakers address conflict and resolution in their relationship. We watch as our siblings react to one another. If our family of origin is dysfunctional, they may not interact appropriately with each other or their environment. We may be too young to understand that we are being given misinformation about personal interactions.
As we become older and widen our field of interpersonal relationships, we learn through experience how those outside our family of origin behave. We may not initially understand the differences between these two groups and may suffer emotional distress as a result of our lack of experience. Over many years we may accumulate a collection of wounds due to our inability to properly decipher our environment. As time passes some of the deeper wounds may become triggers, areas where we are especially sensitive and harbor strong feelings of shame or fear. Triggers bring back old emotionally charged feelings from past suffering, making it difficult for us to interpret today's actions appropriately. We may feel as if a new person is perpetrating the same deed as has happened before. This is what we term, baggage.
How do we cope in a new relationship when we have both expectations and baggage? We must become aware of ourselves. We must decide to investigate our inner being, to look into our motivations and examine our beliefs. This takes time and effort. We embark on this journey to give ourselves the gift of knowledge... knowledge of ourselves. We uncover our fears and shame and look at them squarely without self deception. When we do this, we enable ourselves to accept our inner being as we are, with all our flaws and defense mechanisms. Through using our tools and practicing self care along this journey, we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.
When we enter into relationships we don't arrive empty handed. We bring to the table both expectations and baggage. Expectations come to us during our childhood. We observe the interactions of our family of origin. We watch as our caretakers address conflict and resolution in their relationship. We watch as our siblings react to one another. If our family of origin is dysfunctional, they may not interact appropriately with each other or their environment. We may be too young to understand that we are being given misinformation about personal interactions.
As we become older and widen our field of interpersonal relationships, we learn through experience how those outside our family of origin behave. We may not initially understand the differences between these two groups and may suffer emotional distress as a result of our lack of experience. Over many years we may accumulate a collection of wounds due to our inability to properly decipher our environment. As time passes some of the deeper wounds may become triggers, areas where we are especially sensitive and harbor strong feelings of shame or fear. Triggers bring back old emotionally charged feelings from past suffering, making it difficult for us to interpret today's actions appropriately. We may feel as if a new person is perpetrating the same deed as has happened before. This is what we term, baggage.
How do we cope in a new relationship when we have both expectations and baggage? We must become aware of ourselves. We must decide to investigate our inner being, to look into our motivations and examine our beliefs. This takes time and effort. We embark on this journey to give ourselves the gift of knowledge... knowledge of ourselves. We uncover our fears and shame and look at them squarely without self deception. When we do this, we enable ourselves to accept our inner being as we are, with all our flaws and defense mechanisms. Through using our tools and practicing self care along this journey, we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Trust
During our daily lives we encounter many situations that require us to choose one path or another. We assess our surroundings. We sift through our past experiences in order to glean information that may assist us in making our choice. We ask others for their input. We then take all the information we have accumulated and make our decision. We place our trust in four key areas. First, ourselves and our ability to accurately view our situation. Next, the accuracy of our memories. Thirdly, our advisers capability to lead us. Lastly, our capacity to combine all the information we have collected into a clear view of our circumstances so as to formulate a decision.
What happens when this healthy pattern of decision making breaks down and we no longer trust our instincts? When we are young, we are incapable of processing the world around us as we do when we are adults. We rely on our caretakers to alert us to unsafe situations by both verbal and non-verbal cues. We trust that they will keep us safe. When we live in chaos and dysfunction as children, we misinterpret the unhealthy reactions of our caretakers. We don't know that they cannot properly interpret their world and are therefore giving us misinformation. We assume that what they say and do is correct. We feel that there is a problem, but we are two feet tall and they are giants. In order to survive, we choose to believe that their assessment is correct and stop trusting our instincts.
As we proceed through life we may feel gut reactions when faced with difficult decisions. Our instincts try to lead us, but we ignore them as a result of the interactions we had with our misinformed caretakers when we were small. We fight ourselves in a stressful battle where we are unlikely to win.
How do we regain that trust in our instincts that we have lost? We must begin a step at a time. We take a small risk and trust our ability to be guided by our instincts. When we have succeeded, we take a somewhat larger risk, and so on. As we experience success, our trust level increases and we raise our self esteem. We listen to our instincts more and let ourselves be guided by our inner voice, our higher power. We use our tools to make self care a part of our daily lives. In this way we give ourselves the gift of trust.
What happens when this healthy pattern of decision making breaks down and we no longer trust our instincts? When we are young, we are incapable of processing the world around us as we do when we are adults. We rely on our caretakers to alert us to unsafe situations by both verbal and non-verbal cues. We trust that they will keep us safe. When we live in chaos and dysfunction as children, we misinterpret the unhealthy reactions of our caretakers. We don't know that they cannot properly interpret their world and are therefore giving us misinformation. We assume that what they say and do is correct. We feel that there is a problem, but we are two feet tall and they are giants. In order to survive, we choose to believe that their assessment is correct and stop trusting our instincts.
As we proceed through life we may feel gut reactions when faced with difficult decisions. Our instincts try to lead us, but we ignore them as a result of the interactions we had with our misinformed caretakers when we were small. We fight ourselves in a stressful battle where we are unlikely to win.
How do we regain that trust in our instincts that we have lost? We must begin a step at a time. We take a small risk and trust our ability to be guided by our instincts. When we have succeeded, we take a somewhat larger risk, and so on. As we experience success, our trust level increases and we raise our self esteem. We listen to our instincts more and let ourselves be guided by our inner voice, our higher power. We use our tools to make self care a part of our daily lives. In this way we give ourselves the gift of trust.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Cooperation
Why is it that some relationships flow with ease and others seem to smash themselves against the rocky shore? What is it about certain partners that make their efforts to get along work so well?
One of the many keys to effective interpersonal relationships is cooperation. When we cooperate with others we each take turns leading. At times we are the decision maker. At other times we defer to our partner. When differences of opinion arise we decide if our need to have what we desire, outweighs giving our partner an opportunity to have their wants met. We share, we take turns.
When we cooperate, we make our lives and our partners easier, more enjoyable. We employ our values in our decision making. We walk the walk in our daily lives. In this way we are making deposits in our partners emotional bank account. The more deposits we make, the healthier our relationship becomes. When difficulties arise and we need to make a withdrawal, we have made sufficient deposits to allow the issues to pass without damaging the relationship. This is vital for our long term emotional health. As we make deposits into our partner's emotional bank account, our self esteem increases. As our self esteem increases, so does our ability to make further deposits. We can focus on the needs of others without doing so at our own expense. We use our tools and practice self care in our daily lives giving us the gift of emotional health.
One of the many keys to effective interpersonal relationships is cooperation. When we cooperate with others we each take turns leading. At times we are the decision maker. At other times we defer to our partner. When differences of opinion arise we decide if our need to have what we desire, outweighs giving our partner an opportunity to have their wants met. We share, we take turns.
When we cooperate, we make our lives and our partners easier, more enjoyable. We employ our values in our decision making. We walk the walk in our daily lives. In this way we are making deposits in our partners emotional bank account. The more deposits we make, the healthier our relationship becomes. When difficulties arise and we need to make a withdrawal, we have made sufficient deposits to allow the issues to pass without damaging the relationship. This is vital for our long term emotional health. As we make deposits into our partner's emotional bank account, our self esteem increases. As our self esteem increases, so does our ability to make further deposits. We can focus on the needs of others without doing so at our own expense. We use our tools and practice self care in our daily lives giving us the gift of emotional health.
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