It's the weekend. Some of us may need a laugh more than others. For those of you who have folks in your lives who like to rain on your parade... this one's for you!!
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who messed up your hair?"
Misery loves company. When someone else feels miserable they can be cruel with their words. We have a choice... react or respond... We don't have to get down into the gutter with those who find they have nothing better to do than tear us down. We can hold our heads high while we smile and make the choice to walk away.
Our recovery gives us the tools we need to rely on our inner values. We do not need to allow negative people to demean us in order to make themselves feel better. If someone is having a bad day they are allowed to feel their feelings. We can occupy ourselves elsewhere until they feel better.
We consistently apply our tools in our daily lives. We work at recovery because it is our path out of darkness and into the light. As we come across others who have not yet stepped on the path we can show them the way. It is up to them to take that first step.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
I Cheated... I'm Sorry... Is That Enough?
These are a selection of comments made to a self admitted cheater who got caught and is now trying to save his relationship. [Details omitted to protect the privacy of those involved.] We can all benefit from reviewing the cost of hurting our partner in this way. Many of us have had difficulties in our relationships. This is clearly not the way to solve problems. Cheating is not a solution, but an additional problem. The overall question is, what does one do to rebuild once the bombshell has dropped? Here are some observations.
"You are clearly intelligent, well spoken and capable of communication. Thus far what I have seen, reflects a man who may be in mid-life crisis. It is not uncommon for folks to face this at about your age. Have you considered this?"
"Due to your intellect you have been able, thus far, to rationalize your actions. This is not a plus. Staying in your head keeps you out of touch with yourself and doesn't allow you to feel the enormity of the situation. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. Are you using it?"
"We all have stress in our lives that may at times cause us to feel depressed. How we respond to that stress indicates who we are when no one is looking. Many men at mid life, reacting to the inevitability of aging, begin affairs in order to affirm their virility. Is that what you are doing?"
"You have gone to great lengths to discuss the fact that you are now having open and honest communication with your wife. Please think about the virtue of honesty vs the abuse of that virtue in looking for her to absolve you of your failure to keep your commitment. It seems that you are looking to your wife to cleanse you of your defective behavior. If that is the case, please know that it is not her responsibility to forgive you so that you can feel better. If she chooses forgiveness it is solely for her benefit. Is that what you are doing?"
"You must find your own path to forgiveness with your higher power for your actions. This is difficult and painful as it requires you to accept that you have placed yourself before others in every aspect of your life. You currently believe that you have taken nothing from your family in pursuing this intentional course of action. Please do not deceive yourself in this way. Do you think you are doing that?"
"You will need to accept the fact that you have behaved dysfunctionally and that as a result of your actions you have caused great harm to both your wife and your children. Please don't think they are unaware of what has happened. They may not know details, but they surely know that a bombshell has dropped. You and your wife are seeing a counselor. That is a necessary first step. What about your children? They need counseling as well. Have you taken care of that?"
"You have written that you still have the urge to visit the old ways. This indicates some level of addiction. You will need to address these addictive behaviors directly within an appropriate setting. Are you doing that?"
"There are many unanswered questions. Please take the time to think about them. They are vital to your mental health. Are you willing to do that?"
We work hard to recover from relationship trauma. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We seek a path which we walk one step at a time, sometimes not knowing where we are headed. We reach out to our higher power in faith that we will be better persons for the effort. We humble ourselves in admitting our faults and seeing ourselves as we are. This road that we walk is worth every bit of effort. If we ever doubt the truth of our recovery we can read this post and recall that "there but for the grace of God, go I".
"You are clearly intelligent, well spoken and capable of communication. Thus far what I have seen, reflects a man who may be in mid-life crisis. It is not uncommon for folks to face this at about your age. Have you considered this?"
"Due to your intellect you have been able, thus far, to rationalize your actions. This is not a plus. Staying in your head keeps you out of touch with yourself and doesn't allow you to feel the enormity of the situation. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. Are you using it?"
"We all have stress in our lives that may at times cause us to feel depressed. How we respond to that stress indicates who we are when no one is looking. Many men at mid life, reacting to the inevitability of aging, begin affairs in order to affirm their virility. Is that what you are doing?"
"You have gone to great lengths to discuss the fact that you are now having open and honest communication with your wife. Please think about the virtue of honesty vs the abuse of that virtue in looking for her to absolve you of your failure to keep your commitment. It seems that you are looking to your wife to cleanse you of your defective behavior. If that is the case, please know that it is not her responsibility to forgive you so that you can feel better. If she chooses forgiveness it is solely for her benefit. Is that what you are doing?"
"You must find your own path to forgiveness with your higher power for your actions. This is difficult and painful as it requires you to accept that you have placed yourself before others in every aspect of your life. You currently believe that you have taken nothing from your family in pursuing this intentional course of action. Please do not deceive yourself in this way. Do you think you are doing that?"
"You will need to accept the fact that you have behaved dysfunctionally and that as a result of your actions you have caused great harm to both your wife and your children. Please don't think they are unaware of what has happened. They may not know details, but they surely know that a bombshell has dropped. You and your wife are seeing a counselor. That is a necessary first step. What about your children? They need counseling as well. Have you taken care of that?"
"You have written that you still have the urge to visit the old ways. This indicates some level of addiction. You will need to address these addictive behaviors directly within an appropriate setting. Are you doing that?"
"There are many unanswered questions. Please take the time to think about them. They are vital to your mental health. Are you willing to do that?"
We work hard to recover from relationship trauma. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We seek a path which we walk one step at a time, sometimes not knowing where we are headed. We reach out to our higher power in faith that we will be better persons for the effort. We humble ourselves in admitting our faults and seeing ourselves as we are. This road that we walk is worth every bit of effort. If we ever doubt the truth of our recovery we can read this post and recall that "there but for the grace of God, go I".
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Life As We Are
We see the world not as it us, but as we are.
This is a basic fundamental awareness that has escaped many of us for a good portion of our lives. We are taught from the time we are very small that we experience the world through our five senses accurately. The truth is that the amount of sensory input we receive moment to moment vastly exceeds our capacity to process it. The best we can hope for is a scant overview of our environment. But the real key to the puzzle isn't how much of our input we process, but the filter we use to do that processing.
We develop our processing filter during our everyday lives. We begin when we are young within our family of origin. We absorb the values and ideals of our caretakers as we spend time with them. We observe how they respond to their environment and we mimic that learned behavior until we make it our own. As we grow we add to the base we acquired in childhood. During our adolescence we add much from our external family... our friends.... usually to the displeasure of our caretakers. As we approach adulthood we sort through all the values we have internalized and finally create our filter. Although we have the capacity to revamp that filter as we wish, our general tendency may be to continue to see our lives through it. It has effectively become the base of our belief system.
There are times when we suddenly see our lives without the filter. We experience a paradigm shift. For a brief moment we see ourselves as others may see us. How we internalize that message determines whether we are capable of changing ourselves as a result of that experience. If our self esteem is strong and we feel confident, we may accept this new information readily and adapt. But what if our self esteem is low. We may see the new information as threatening and reject the message, thereby preventing change and growth in ourselves.
This underlies the need for using our tools in our daily lives. As we continue to practice self care we become more adept at using our tools. As we become more and more familiar and comfortable with our tools we integrate them into ourselves, thereby increasing our self esteem. As our self esteem rises we are more able to accept the truth, that our vision of life is not as it is, but as we are. In this way we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.
This is a basic fundamental awareness that has escaped many of us for a good portion of our lives. We are taught from the time we are very small that we experience the world through our five senses accurately. The truth is that the amount of sensory input we receive moment to moment vastly exceeds our capacity to process it. The best we can hope for is a scant overview of our environment. But the real key to the puzzle isn't how much of our input we process, but the filter we use to do that processing.
We develop our processing filter during our everyday lives. We begin when we are young within our family of origin. We absorb the values and ideals of our caretakers as we spend time with them. We observe how they respond to their environment and we mimic that learned behavior until we make it our own. As we grow we add to the base we acquired in childhood. During our adolescence we add much from our external family... our friends.... usually to the displeasure of our caretakers. As we approach adulthood we sort through all the values we have internalized and finally create our filter. Although we have the capacity to revamp that filter as we wish, our general tendency may be to continue to see our lives through it. It has effectively become the base of our belief system.
There are times when we suddenly see our lives without the filter. We experience a paradigm shift. For a brief moment we see ourselves as others may see us. How we internalize that message determines whether we are capable of changing ourselves as a result of that experience. If our self esteem is strong and we feel confident, we may accept this new information readily and adapt. But what if our self esteem is low. We may see the new information as threatening and reject the message, thereby preventing change and growth in ourselves.
This underlies the need for using our tools in our daily lives. As we continue to practice self care we become more adept at using our tools. As we become more and more familiar and comfortable with our tools we integrate them into ourselves, thereby increasing our self esteem. As our self esteem rises we are more able to accept the truth, that our vision of life is not as it is, but as we are. In this way we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Laughter Is Jogging on the Inside
Laugh and the world laughs with you! Laughter is the best medicine! Laugh it off! Laugh it up! LOL! LMAO! Laughter is jogging on the inside!
Why is laughter so important? Does it really make us feel better? Yes. Research shows that laughing releases chemicals in the brain that promote a more positive mood and decrease pain.
Some of the funniest laughter comes from laughing at ourselves. When we can laugh at ourselves not only to we enjoy the benefits to our health, but we show humility and a sense of perspective as to our place among our fellow human beings. In our ability to chuckle along when we make a faux pas, we allow others to relax in our company and enjoy their lives as well.
We've all known folks who were too uptight to have a good laugh at their own expense. Let us be certain that we continue to join the ranks of those who enjoy life to the fullest.
Why is laughter so important? Does it really make us feel better? Yes. Research shows that laughing releases chemicals in the brain that promote a more positive mood and decrease pain.
Some of the funniest laughter comes from laughing at ourselves. When we can laugh at ourselves not only to we enjoy the benefits to our health, but we show humility and a sense of perspective as to our place among our fellow human beings. In our ability to chuckle along when we make a faux pas, we allow others to relax in our company and enjoy their lives as well.
We've all known folks who were too uptight to have a good laugh at their own expense. Let us be certain that we continue to join the ranks of those who enjoy life to the fullest.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Recovery In Five Short Chapters
[Recovery in Five Short Chapters is adapted from the original by Anonymous]
Chapter One -
I walk down the street. Suddenly, without warning, I fall into a hole. It is huge, dark, and frightening. I am scared. I fumble around in the dark trying to find my way out. I feel nothing out there. I can see nothing. I am lost. Terror overcomes me in the darkness. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. Somehow I begin to try to find my way out. It seems to take forever, but eventually I begin to feel the edge of the hole and I can follow the walls in the dark. After what seems like an eternity I can see the light in the distance. I follow it and climb out. I am exhausted, shaken to my core. I continue on my journey.
Chapter Two -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I know the hole is out there... somewhere. I am frightened. I fall in again. It is huge, dark and scary. I feel lost. I know there is a way out, but I cannot find it. I begin to feel terror in the darkness. Somewhere in my mind I remember there is a way out. It takes a long time, but eventually I reach the edge of the hole and feel my way along the walls in the darkness. After a very long time I begin to see the light and I climb out. Again I am exhausted. I continue on my journey.
Chapter Three -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I see the hole. It is up ahead. I know it is there and that I will fall into it. I feel uneasy. It is familiar in a scary way. I really don't want to fall in, but I can't help myself. It is still dark and very big. I recall that there is a way out and begin to reach for the walls at the edge of the hole. I find them more quickly than before. Soon I see the light and am able to climb out. I feel spent, but understand what has happened. I continue on my journey.
Chapter Four -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I see the hole. It is up ahead and it is huge. It stretches across almost the whole street. I see a path around the edge that has been walked by many others before me. It is narrow and there are places where I might fall into the hole but I decide to try. I walk around the hole!! I am exhilarated!! I continue on my journey.
Chapter Five -
It is the next day. I walk down a different street!!
The journey of recovery begins with the recognition that we are falling into the same hole over and over again. We can choose to walk down a different street. Make the choice. The path is clearly marked. Let your Higher Power guide you along placing one foot in front of another in faith.
Chapter One -
I walk down the street. Suddenly, without warning, I fall into a hole. It is huge, dark, and frightening. I am scared. I fumble around in the dark trying to find my way out. I feel nothing out there. I can see nothing. I am lost. Terror overcomes me in the darkness. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. Somehow I begin to try to find my way out. It seems to take forever, but eventually I begin to feel the edge of the hole and I can follow the walls in the dark. After what seems like an eternity I can see the light in the distance. I follow it and climb out. I am exhausted, shaken to my core. I continue on my journey.
Chapter Two -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I know the hole is out there... somewhere. I am frightened. I fall in again. It is huge, dark and scary. I feel lost. I know there is a way out, but I cannot find it. I begin to feel terror in the darkness. Somewhere in my mind I remember there is a way out. It takes a long time, but eventually I reach the edge of the hole and feel my way along the walls in the darkness. After a very long time I begin to see the light and I climb out. Again I am exhausted. I continue on my journey.
Chapter Three -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I see the hole. It is up ahead. I know it is there and that I will fall into it. I feel uneasy. It is familiar in a scary way. I really don't want to fall in, but I can't help myself. It is still dark and very big. I recall that there is a way out and begin to reach for the walls at the edge of the hole. I find them more quickly than before. Soon I see the light and am able to climb out. I feel spent, but understand what has happened. I continue on my journey.
Chapter Four -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I see the hole. It is up ahead and it is huge. It stretches across almost the whole street. I see a path around the edge that has been walked by many others before me. It is narrow and there are places where I might fall into the hole but I decide to try. I walk around the hole!! I am exhilarated!! I continue on my journey.
Chapter Five -
It is the next day. I walk down a different street!!
The journey of recovery begins with the recognition that we are falling into the same hole over and over again. We can choose to walk down a different street. Make the choice. The path is clearly marked. Let your Higher Power guide you along placing one foot in front of another in faith.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
We've Been Selected for an Award!!
We would like to thank Carol at http://pamper-u.blogspot.com/ for selecting Holistic Counselor to receive the "One Lovely Blog Award". Carol is an alumnus from ACHS as an Aromatherapist. She makes and sells bath and body products with her husband in Minnesota.
If you would like to be selected to receive the "One Lovely Blog Award" send your URL to us at Holistic Counselor at we will check you out! We have only fifteen awards to give away, so be one of the first to apply! In the meantime, please check out Carol's blog for excellent information on bath and body products made with an all natural aromatherapists healing touch.
For more information on becoming an Aromatherapist or pursuing a career in alternative health and medicine contact ACHS at http://www.achs.edu/.
Thanks again Carol, we appreciate the edification!!
If you would like to be selected to receive the "One Lovely Blog Award" send your URL to us at Holistic Counselor at we will check you out! We have only fifteen awards to give away, so be one of the first to apply! In the meantime, please check out Carol's blog for excellent information on bath and body products made with an all natural aromatherapists healing touch.
For more information on becoming an Aromatherapist or pursuing a career in alternative health and medicine contact ACHS at http://www.achs.edu/.
Thanks again Carol, we appreciate the edification!!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Are You A Happy Person?
What I have seen thus far of our new President, seems to indicate that he is a happy person. He also seems to be very much in love with his wife. We smile as we see images of him with Michelle, attending the theater in New York, having a romantic dinner in a local DC restaurant, playing with the kids. We see our leader as a happy fulfilled human being as well as our President.
Having a successful relationship with our partner may allow us to feel, in large part, that we are successful in our lives. Being capable in our chosen profession is important to our self image and self esteem, but the happiness level of our partner is a key factor in how we measure our success as persons.
When our partner is essentially happy with themselves, us and our relationship we feel content. Our inner view of ourselves seems balanced. We connect with our partner easily and often, moving in and out of intimacy and communication readily. As we co-exist we produce chemical messengers in our bodies that improve our health and increase our feeling of internal happiness. We are literally hard wired to enjoy connection and our bodies produce chemicals to reinforce that message and feeling.
To that end it is vital for us to increase our skills at building and maintaining our relationships. Effective communication, empathy, patience and compromise are the life blood of our relationships. We invest our time, energy and being into them and need their continued existence for our optimal health.
Just as our country needs an effective President, our relationships need our leadership. We devote ourselves to self care to increase our self esteem. We use our tools in our daily lives allowing us to be centered and emotionally available to our partners. In this way we give ourselves the gift of happiness.
Having a successful relationship with our partner may allow us to feel, in large part, that we are successful in our lives. Being capable in our chosen profession is important to our self image and self esteem, but the happiness level of our partner is a key factor in how we measure our success as persons.
When our partner is essentially happy with themselves, us and our relationship we feel content. Our inner view of ourselves seems balanced. We connect with our partner easily and often, moving in and out of intimacy and communication readily. As we co-exist we produce chemical messengers in our bodies that improve our health and increase our feeling of internal happiness. We are literally hard wired to enjoy connection and our bodies produce chemicals to reinforce that message and feeling.
To that end it is vital for us to increase our skills at building and maintaining our relationships. Effective communication, empathy, patience and compromise are the life blood of our relationships. We invest our time, energy and being into them and need their continued existence for our optimal health.
Just as our country needs an effective President, our relationships need our leadership. We devote ourselves to self care to increase our self esteem. We use our tools in our daily lives allowing us to be centered and emotionally available to our partners. In this way we give ourselves the gift of happiness.
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