I'm Unhappy, Why Can't I Leave?

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Why is ending a relationship so difficult? Why do we agonize over the decision to leave a partner when we are unhappy? When the pain of staying in the relationship is overwhelming, why do we continue to hesitate over the decision to go?

These questions deserve an answer. When we enter into a relationship we enjoy the newly found pleasurable interactions. Our brain reacts to this exchange by releasing dopamine, a neurotransmitter in the brain, when the nucleus accumbens or pleasure center is stimulated. Dopamine is a feel good chemical in the body. Therefore the more we experience good times with our new partner the more dopamine we produce, and the more pleasure we feel.

The prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of the brain, is concerned with rational decision making and long term consequences. The prefrontal cortex tracks every moment spent with our new partner. As our relationship continues over the years, we begin to notice more and more instances when our partner is irritating. This irritation causes the amount of dopamine produced by our now less stimulated pleasure center to drop. We don't feel as good as we did before. The thinking brain begins to weigh the decision to remain in the relationship against the amount of pleasure received. As dopamine levels drop further, the thinking brain begins to lean toward the decision of leaving the relationship.

However this part of the brain doesn't make all the decisions alone. The pleasure center has developed an attachment as a result of all the dopamine released over the years. Now whenever dopamine is released the pleasure center revels in its arrival with strong good feelings. We have become hooked on our addiction to dopamine and the resultant good feelings.

Another area of the brain which weighs in during decision making is the amygdala. The amygdala formulates decisions based on impulse and emotion. This may account for our tendency to feel the urge to run when the going gets tough, or to stay when the relationship is proceeding smoothly.

Over time as the relationship degrades we receive less and less dopamine forcing our pleasure center to starve. The amygdala weighs in on the decision impulsively, first one way then another. The thinking brain begins to make the decision that leaving the relationship is the logical course of action. Different parts of the brain begin working toward determining the best outcome. When these parts disagree, as in the thinking brain, amygdala and the pleasure center, we experience cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance exists when we hold two contradictory ideas in our mind at the same time. This may cause us to experience uncomfortable feelings such as: anxiety, shame, anger and stress. At this point we have two choices, we can reconcile our ideas and make a decision that we feel is in our best interest, or we can begin to rationalize. If we choose to rationalize - creating false reasons or justifications to support a decision we know is not in our best interest - this can lead to confirmation bias and defense mechanisms kicking it to support the ego.

Overall we discover that a seemingly simple decision, leaving a relationship that is causing unhappiness and pain, is not easy. The loss of the good feelings we initially experienced in the relationship coupled with attachment, causes unhappiness and pain. When the pain of staying in the relationship is outweighed by the pain of leaving the relationship, we continue to stay, waiting for the occasional burst of dopamine. As the relationship collapses and the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving, we eventually make the choice to move on.

Although we will experience pain and loss in either instance, the short term pain of severing the ties with our partner will decrease over time and we will once again begin the task of rebuilding our self esteem and using our tools to ensure our recovery.

Intentions: The Lie Behind the Words

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But I didn't mean for that to happen! That's not what I meant! I didn't mean for that to hurt your feelings! You misunderstood what I meant by that!


What do all these statements have in common? They all share one simple truth... intentions make no difference in how we are perceived by others. When we interact with those with whom we are in a relationship on a daily basis, we interpret what is said and done using the lens through which we view the world. We have no way of knowing what motivation our partner may have had when they took an action which affected us. We may think we know our partners intentions, and we may be correct at times, but in actuality we view the world through our own point of view.

How does this affect our relationship? When we talk to our partner we are expressing our thoughts and feelings through our words, actions and meta-messages. Our partner translates what we communicate through their lens. In the process, much may get lost in translation. Our underlying feelings may be communicated through our body language and our tone of voice. Yet, we may be unaware of how we are perceived. When we speak we may intend one message, but actually communicate another.

An excellent example involves our partner completing a chore which we have requested. We attempt to instruct as they work, wanting to achieve a particular result. We believe we are communicating our desire for a particular outcome, however our actions may indicate a belief that our partner may be incompetent to complete the task on their own. This underlying message comes through causing our partner to become annoyed with our interference. Although our intention was clear in our mind, our partner experienced our actions within a completely different frame work... their lens.

We recall that our partner was raised in a different family of origin. Within that family communications patterns developed and were imprinted on our partner as a baby, reinforced as a youth and finally adopted as an adult. Our experiences and communication patterns in our own family of origin were unique to our family. When we communicate with others our natural instincts revert to our original communication patterns. We recall that each individual learned their patterns in their family of origin, making communication more complex.

We may understand our intentions, but those who receive our message glean additional information through our body language and tone. We can compensate for this difference by carefully selecting our words, monitoring our tone of voice for indications of emotional discord and being aware of our own feelings. This is not, however, a panacea. We may still have occasions when our message is misinterpreted or lost. When we reach an impasse we use our tools. Dialogue, an important tool, may help to re-establish effective communication and restore balance to the relationship.

We practice self care making certain that we honor our feelings and communicate as effectively as possible. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered and balanced. In this way we give ourselves the gift of healthy communication skills.

Second Chances

It is common for spouses to grieve for quite some time after their life partner has passed. (Especially when the passing is sudden and intense) In time the pain of losing the deceased lessens, though it never really disappears all together. The best we can hope for is that the deceased is remembered fondly and with love. In that way we are free to move on with our lives and try to find meaning within a new relationship. We really never "get over" the lost love, the pain fades over time. It is common for those who have lost a spouse to try to find someone who reminds them of their prior partner, especially if that relationship was a happy one.

When we do move on and begin a relationship with a new partner we may encounter obstacles we did not anticipate. Being involved with a new partner has its difficulties, but it is quite another matter to be a step parent. The loss of a mother or father is nothing like the loss of a partner. Children feel acute pain that is not lessened by the arrival of a step parent. Often the step parent is largely resented as another barrier in the childrens relationship with the surviving parent. Even if the children are older, this can be the case. Step parenting is extremely difficult under the best of circumstances and can be a nightmare when the biological parent is away working a good deal of the time, allowing children to feel further abandoned in addition to the death of the primary caretaker.

In addition, fear of intimacy may add to the discord. Losing a life partner can cause emotional wounds that may be difficult to heal. If fear of intimacy applies, it may account for erratic behavior. It is common for those of us who have intimacy issues to run when the going gets tough. Intimacy issues can be thorny ones to work through even with the best of counselors, but it can be done with enough compassion and effort.

Healing from the loss of a life partner will take time and patience. Once we have moved through the grieving process and have begun a new relationship, we will need our heart and head to be balanced and centered to deal with the challenges that may arise. We use our tools and practice self care being certain to allow others to do the same.

Lobbying Against the Lobbyists!

I am a single Mom. When my 20 year old son left college to get a full time job he lost his health insurance. He was no longer able to access coverage under his Dad's policy and I cannot afford to pay for COBRA.

I understand that the insurance industry has paid millions of dollars to our congressional representatives in Washington in an attempt to buy their vote "no" on health care reform. The fact that almost 80% of Americans want health care reform seems to have little impact on our congress men and women. They have great health coverage that comes with their job. They seem to be concerned solely with getting re-elected. I am concerned that they are no longer representing us, the American people.

We have a voice and are largely being ignored. Since we can't afford to pay millions of dollars to our congress men and women, they listen to the lobbyists and not to us! This is unacceptable! We are the folks who gave them their jobs.

I believe that health care reform must include a public option that will offer all Americans the same health insurance that our congressional representatives currently enjoy AT OUR EXPENSE!!

This is not a partisan issue. Republicans, democrats and independents are all on the same page. Congress men and women... PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO US, the American people. We are not without a voice any longer!!

How Can I Practice Self Care in My Relationship?

One of the first things we learn in recovery is that we can't control anyone but ourselves. Once we let go of trying to control people, things and outcomes, we have a much better chance at changing the one thing we do have control over... ourselves.

Owning our power, as opposed to giving it to our partner in the form of seeking approval, is one example of self care. We begin to complete our daily activities for our own reasons, to please ourselves, rather than to glean an approving nod or comment from our partner. When we place our partner in the role of judge, we give away our power.

The acronym H.A.L.T.S. is an effective way to remember areas that may provide room for conflict... hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad or scared. These six key areas may be triggers, leading us to use defense mechanisms to ease our discomfort. Recognizing that we are experiencing one of these feelings may be a boost to self understanding. We can practice self care (eat when hungry, take a time out for anger, call a friend if lonely, nap if tired, figure out why we are sad or scared and allow ourselves to be vulnerable by sharing) before we react to our partner, possibly avoiding negative interactions.

Some things in relationships are unchangeable. Basic personality traits of our partner may be something we must learn to accept, whether we are thrilled by all of them or not. For some, gratefulness is a way out. Gratefulness allow us to be aware of the blessings we already have and helps us to focus our attention in those areas. Once we are truly grateful for the blessings we already have in our lives, we are ripe for receiving more. It may help to keep a gratefulness journal where we write down five things for which we are grateful each day before bed. Over time we see that we have a full and wonderful life. This journal can be a great tool to read when we are feeling upset or out of balance and want to center ourselves.

The habit of keeping score is common in relationships. It can create difficulties for many reasons. When we lose sight of our contribution within the grand scheme of things, when we begin to see ourselves as the victim, we have become out of balance. We begin to focus on taking care of ourselves and practice using our tools in our daily lives, we may begin to give up the practice of keeping score. We realize that we are once again trying to control people, things and outcomes. We practice letting go and allowing outcomes to develop naturally along with gratefulness for all that we have been given in this world.

We are on the road to a wonderfully balanced inter-dependent relationship. The kind that brings much joy to partners. We work toward receiving the many blessings that a fulfilling relationship and life together has to offer!

Health Care Reform or Just Posturing

It is a fact that almost 80% of the nation wants health care reform. Yet our senators and representatives in congress are busy fussing and fighting over partisan nonsense instead of buckling down and doing the work required to hammer out an excellent package. There are brilliant minds available with excellent ideas willing to help with the work.

We as a nation desperately need and want health care reform. It is a shame that our President has to go to the public to garner support for a bill that should not need any more support. Our congressional leaders have forgotten that their jobs is to work for us. It is apparent that the congressional agenda is NOT to take care of it's constituents, but to amass more seats in congress. For my part, this is narcissism, not governing.

I propose a national referendum that places term limits on congressional seats in both the house and senate. Neither of these bodies will pass the law themselves - and put themselves out of a job - but it must be done. We have term limits on many other government jobs and need it desperately in congress where the largest problem we face is cronyism and lobbyists. How can the nation expect congress to do their jobs properly when they are constantly thinking about running for re-election?

Am I A Victim?

Why does this always happen to me? How come any partner I choose ends up doing the same things to me that the last one did? Why do I find myself in the same relationship over and over again?

What do these three questions have in common? They all allow us to believe that we are the victim. In that role, we give our power away. How did we come to be the victim? What are we getting out of this role? What can we do to over come this pattern in our lives?

We may have come to see ourselves as victims through the lens of co-dependency. During a time in our lives when we lived with dysfunctional people we may have truly been a victim. We may have been a young child incapable of independence who needed our family system to survive. We may have been in an abusive relationship. We may have been genuinely hurt as a result of some past event.

If we didn't realize how we had adapted to survive these experiences, we may have become comfortable in the victim role. We may not realize we are feeling like a victim, but our language gives us away.

We may feel empowered in our capacity as victim. We may be using our role to passively control others and outcomes. In our past we may have needed to rely on our ability to manipulate through victim hood to ensure our survival. Now that we no longer live in that same family system, we have not yet realized how our victim identity has affected our current circumstances. In essence we continue to re-create the same dysfunctional familial dynamic in our new relationship by maintaining our victim status.

Once we realize our pattern and come to grips with the fact that we are no longer victims, we can begin to rebuild our self image and self esteem. It is vital that we let go of the need to control others and outcomes. In doing so we free ourselves from the need to continue our passivity and begin to own our power once again. As we begin to practice self care in our daily lives and use our tools to increase our self esteem, we free ourselves from the bonds of victim hood.