What do we do when our partner won't speak to us for an extended period of time following a disagreement? How do we cope with getting the silent treatment?
Partners in relationships don't always agree. Each of us are individuals with our own wants and needs. Sometimes those wants and needs conflict. There are many ways to deal with conflict in relationships. Effective communication is the key to resolving differences between two parties. Each has their own point of view which may have validity. Both need to feel heard and validated for meaningful discussion to take place leading to compromise.
What happens when our partner doesn't participate in communication or compromise? Following a disagreement our partner may retreat within themselves and refuse to talk for an extended period of time. This type of withdrawal can last hours, days or even weeks. This does not mean they are not communicating. The silent treatment is a form of communication. It may be an unpopular form for us, the recipient, but it can be quite effective. Our partner is communicating their feelings quite clearly. Their non-verbal message says,"Do what I want" clear as a bell. It says something else as well. It says, "I am unwilling to listen to your opinion, negotiate or compromise".
This extended period of silence is a form of emotional blackmail. Many partners may need some time to process after a disagreement. However, when the time taken has nothing to do with processing and everything to do with punishing, we are no longer dealing with healthy self care, but with unhealthy emotional blackmail. This type of punishing behavior leaves us out in the cold. Our partner believes they can use their anger and silence to control us.
The unsaid message, however, speaks volumes. The emotional blackmailer is unwilling to communicate in an open forum where we can put forth our opinion. Our partner may feel frightened of direct communication. They may not feel adept at defending their views. Alternatively, the emotional blackmailer may feel shamed regarding their lack of ability to communicate or explain their feelings, leading them to refuse to talk at all. Finally, this may be a habit learned from a dysfunctional family of origin during childhood. If caretakers handled conflict in this manner, this may well be the only style our partner has known.
It is difficult to deal with emotional blackmail. The silent treatment may cause bitterness and resentment over time as partners build walls instead of bridges. Stressing the safety of our partner in the relationship and the importance of communication is a beginning. We, as the communicator, have the responsibility to continue to reach out to our partner with loving detachment.
During times when all is calm and we feel centered, we can lovingly set a boundary with our partner that is comfortable for us regarding the time we will tolerate silence. We then enforce that boundary by detaching when our partner becomes silent. We lovingly let them know that we are going to take care of ourselves and enjoy our time without them. They can contact us by telephone when they are again ready to speak. We reinforce that we are not angry and that we look forward to seeing them again when they feel better.
In this way we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy our time without having to witness their attempt at emotional blackmail. Our partner learns that if they want to enjoy time with us, they cannot continue this mode of behavior. When we reconnect we do so in a loving manner. This leaves our partner to begin to deal with their feelings in a new way. Patience and loving detachment are the keys to moving a relationship past emotional blackmail and the silent treatment. As difficult and time consuming as it may be, it is imperative to ensuring the long term survival of the relationship.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Are You a Victim of Domestic Violence and Abuse?
Domestic violence and abuse cross all economic, social, political and racial barriers. We cannot imagine how shamed we feel being involved with an abuser. Even telling one's family becomes impossible at first. We are aware that if our family knew the facts of our situation they would shun our partner. Until we are ready to face our situation in truth, we continue the charade. Though this is a sure sign that we are in an extremely unhealthy situation, the average sufferer of DV may try to leave the relationship seven times prior to succeeding. There is the constant fear that we will not be believed, especially if the abuser is successful and well liked.
In the early stages of the relationship the abuser may be cautious about revealing themself. The new partner may tell stories of past wounds at the hands of others. Over time the pattern begins. First there may be the explosive rage over seemingly unimportant events. These may be followed by grandiose apologies and promises never to repeat the incident. Sometimes extravagant gifts follow. The ensuing weeks may be honeymoon like. The incident may be forgotten and all is well. Gradually the tension increases. It may feel like partners are walking on egg shells around one another. Eventually another incident occurs. This one too involves explosive rage and may include breaking objects. Again the incident is followed by apologies, gifts or flowers and the honeymoon begins again. The pattern is set. Each time the abuser moves the line of acceptable behavior slightly farther than the last. Over time the abused partner accepts a level of domestic violence and abuse they would never have dreamed possible.
It is difficult to imagine how horrendous we feel, whether man or woman, while being involved with an abuser. The constant barrage of denigrating verbiage destroys our self esteem.
If you are reading this and are a victim of DV please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or on the web at http://www.ndvh.org/. Have hope that your life can improve. You are not alone.
In the early stages of the relationship the abuser may be cautious about revealing themself. The new partner may tell stories of past wounds at the hands of others. Over time the pattern begins. First there may be the explosive rage over seemingly unimportant events. These may be followed by grandiose apologies and promises never to repeat the incident. Sometimes extravagant gifts follow. The ensuing weeks may be honeymoon like. The incident may be forgotten and all is well. Gradually the tension increases. It may feel like partners are walking on egg shells around one another. Eventually another incident occurs. This one too involves explosive rage and may include breaking objects. Again the incident is followed by apologies, gifts or flowers and the honeymoon begins again. The pattern is set. Each time the abuser moves the line of acceptable behavior slightly farther than the last. Over time the abused partner accepts a level of domestic violence and abuse they would never have dreamed possible.
It is difficult to imagine how horrendous we feel, whether man or woman, while being involved with an abuser. The constant barrage of denigrating verbiage destroys our self esteem.
If you are reading this and are a victim of DV please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or on the web at http://www.ndvh.org/. Have hope that your life can improve. You are not alone.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Strong Emotions? Yuck!!
What are emotions? Why do they seem so overwhelming at times? How to we cope with strong emotions?
Emotional literacy is a concept that answers a multitude of questions for those of us in recovery. We may have journeyed through our childhood with dysfunctional family systems. Those systems taught us concepts that inhibited our growth: Don't think, don't talk, don't feel.
Thinking is a threatening activity if we are being taught to accept whatever is happening at face value. Thinking might rock the family boat. It might allow new ideas to emerge which could threaten the tight control that dysfunction has over the family system. That might be terrifying for the members of our dysfunctional family of origin. They have learned to accept the elephant in the living room. They walk around it quite comfortably. No one notices it any longer or allows themselves to think about it.
Talking about what is happening in our dysfunctional family of origin may be incredibly threatening. If thinking was scary, than talking may be terrifying. Not only are we breaking the rules by thinking about the unspeakable, but now we are talking about it too? This is intolerable to family members. It creates immense discomfort. We are asking them to acknowledge that there is a problem or issue that might need to be solved. Since they may be unwilling to see any problem, there is nothing to discuss.
Having feelings about issues is verboten. Thinking was not permitted, talking was terrifying and having feelings about any of these unspeakable problems is impossible. It may be so far out of the path of possibility that the person having feelings may be shunned until they take the path of least resistance, and obey the rules of their family of origin. They must correct their horrendous mistake of actually having feelings.
The rules are clear: It is not permitted to think about, discuss or have feelings regarding the elephant in the living room. If these rules are not obeyed at all times, corrections must be undertaken to re-indoctrinate the offending family member immediately. Further, any family member who refuses to follow the rules after re-indoctrination will be shunned until they comply.
Of course the preceding paragraph is a dramatization, but it certainly sounds like our families of origin, doesn't it? Translated into common English the rules say, don't rock the family boat or we will be angry and give change back messages until you stop. If you don't stop, we will exclude you from family activities because you make us too uncomfortable to have you around.
That is a frightening message for a child to absorb. Therefore children, who literally cannot survive without their family of origin, follow the rules. They learn not to rock the dysfunctional family boat. They learn to do whatever they must to deceive themselves, so as to be able to function within their family of origin.
These early lessons may cause children from dysfunctional families of origin to become emotionally illiterate adults. We can be partners is relationships who cannot find the words to describe how we feel when we are having a strong emotional response. We don't have the vocabulary to describe what we are experiencing. We only know how to shut down and steam.
The thinking part of the brain is where language allows the processing of raw emotion into understandable feelings. Those of us who came from dysfunctional families of origin where the rules were strictly enforced by controlling family members, may have never developed the ability to marry words to emotion. We have not had the opportunity to learn this very important skill. We need to be able to join words to emotion to be able to intellectually grasp what is happening within us and feel the ability to regulate it. When strong emotions occur without the ability to verbalize, we are thrown back to our infancy. We are a being without language available to express what is happening to us. This creates additional feelings of shame and frustration as we attempt to grapple with what is effectively, the unknown.
Through recovery and using our tools we continue to practice self care. As we tackle this very difficult challenge of teaching ourselves the lost lessons of our childhoods, we practice patience with ourselves and forgiveness when we misstep. We will learn what we need to in time and with help. The path is before us. We take one step at a time and lean on our higher power knowing that the lessons before us will lead us where we need to go. We are not alone.
Emotional literacy is a concept that answers a multitude of questions for those of us in recovery. We may have journeyed through our childhood with dysfunctional family systems. Those systems taught us concepts that inhibited our growth: Don't think, don't talk, don't feel.
Thinking is a threatening activity if we are being taught to accept whatever is happening at face value. Thinking might rock the family boat. It might allow new ideas to emerge which could threaten the tight control that dysfunction has over the family system. That might be terrifying for the members of our dysfunctional family of origin. They have learned to accept the elephant in the living room. They walk around it quite comfortably. No one notices it any longer or allows themselves to think about it.
Talking about what is happening in our dysfunctional family of origin may be incredibly threatening. If thinking was scary, than talking may be terrifying. Not only are we breaking the rules by thinking about the unspeakable, but now we are talking about it too? This is intolerable to family members. It creates immense discomfort. We are asking them to acknowledge that there is a problem or issue that might need to be solved. Since they may be unwilling to see any problem, there is nothing to discuss.
Having feelings about issues is verboten. Thinking was not permitted, talking was terrifying and having feelings about any of these unspeakable problems is impossible. It may be so far out of the path of possibility that the person having feelings may be shunned until they take the path of least resistance, and obey the rules of their family of origin. They must correct their horrendous mistake of actually having feelings.
The rules are clear: It is not permitted to think about, discuss or have feelings regarding the elephant in the living room. If these rules are not obeyed at all times, corrections must be undertaken to re-indoctrinate the offending family member immediately. Further, any family member who refuses to follow the rules after re-indoctrination will be shunned until they comply.
Of course the preceding paragraph is a dramatization, but it certainly sounds like our families of origin, doesn't it? Translated into common English the rules say, don't rock the family boat or we will be angry and give change back messages until you stop. If you don't stop, we will exclude you from family activities because you make us too uncomfortable to have you around.
That is a frightening message for a child to absorb. Therefore children, who literally cannot survive without their family of origin, follow the rules. They learn not to rock the dysfunctional family boat. They learn to do whatever they must to deceive themselves, so as to be able to function within their family of origin.
These early lessons may cause children from dysfunctional families of origin to become emotionally illiterate adults. We can be partners is relationships who cannot find the words to describe how we feel when we are having a strong emotional response. We don't have the vocabulary to describe what we are experiencing. We only know how to shut down and steam.
The thinking part of the brain is where language allows the processing of raw emotion into understandable feelings. Those of us who came from dysfunctional families of origin where the rules were strictly enforced by controlling family members, may have never developed the ability to marry words to emotion. We have not had the opportunity to learn this very important skill. We need to be able to join words to emotion to be able to intellectually grasp what is happening within us and feel the ability to regulate it. When strong emotions occur without the ability to verbalize, we are thrown back to our infancy. We are a being without language available to express what is happening to us. This creates additional feelings of shame and frustration as we attempt to grapple with what is effectively, the unknown.
Through recovery and using our tools we continue to practice self care. As we tackle this very difficult challenge of teaching ourselves the lost lessons of our childhoods, we practice patience with ourselves and forgiveness when we misstep. We will learn what we need to in time and with help. The path is before us. We take one step at a time and lean on our higher power knowing that the lessons before us will lead us where we need to go. We are not alone.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Why am I So Afraid of FEAR?
FEAR... False Expectations Appearing Real. That is quite an acronym. Fears can be real or imagined. Staring into the face of a sabre tooth tiger and fearing for your life is quite real. Most of the fears we face today occur when we have insufficient information available to make an informed decision. We don't know all that we need to create a full picture so we fill in the blanks with our own experiences. Unfortunately our experiences may not apply to the situation at hand. We finish the painting, but alas we didn't start it and don't know the outcome the artist had in mind. Instead of completing the Mona Lisa, we end up with Dogs at Cards.
Fears can cause a multitude of problems in relationships. An example: When faced with an upcoming family gathering involving meeting new people for the first time, one partner may feel insecure. The insecurity may be based in low self esteem. Fear may take hold and as the event approaches the fearful partner may become ill and unable to attend. If this pattern manifests frequently in the relationship the other partner may eventually become angry and accuse the ill partner of not liking the family. A lack of understanding may cause a failure to communicate that the underlying issue is a fear of not being accepted.
It can be quite difficult to verbalize fears. Many of us experienced fear and trauma at an age where verbal language was not within our grasp. Two year olds have just learned how to ask for food or a toy. They do not have the words to discuss feelings. When caretakers frighten children with strong emotions of their own, such as anger or rage, children may become traumatized. Even five year olds rarely have the available verbiage to talk about emotions. If our caretakers were busy taking care of siblings, tending to a sick parent, going to work everyday and doing chores at home, going to school or just watching TV all day, no one was available to help us translate emotions into words. If our caretakers are the ones reacting with strong emotions, yelling often or becoming violent, there is no safe place for a child to take their emotions and get comfort and explanations.
By the time we have the needed vocabulary we are approaching twelve or thirteen years of age. At this point we have learned much about expressing feelings from our family of origin as well as our friends. Feelings may be unacceptable if our home is dysfunctional. Our experience with friends may make it uncool to talk about feelings. We may enter into adulthood almost illiterate regarding emotions. We have emotions, but may not be able to find the words to describe our feelings. This makes processing emotions quite difficult. We need language to allow our thinking brains to integrate our emotions into our selves.
This inability to join words to feelings leave us unable to tolerate strong emotions. We feel extreme unmanagability when strong emotions arrive. We react with our defenses to squelch the uncomfortable feelings. We have not learned how to process strong emotions and we are frightened by their intensity. As we learn which words to attach to the emotions we feel, our thinking brain can process them. We can integrate this new knowledge into our inner selves. Then next time the same strong emotion occurs we can be ready with our words. Our thinking minds can logically process the feelings for us creating increased self esteem and a feeling of control over our reactions.
This is vital for long term health. In order to create balance in our daily lives we must be able to process our emotions with our thinking minds. To rely on our reactive mind to guide us through the maze of feelings through our lives is inadvisable. It may leave us open to bouts of uncontrolled basic emotions, such as rage. These strong unprocessed raw emotions can be terrifying to witness, both for the one experiencing the emotions as well as for their partner.
The external view of raw unprocessed emotions appears uncontrolled and extremely frightening. Especially to a small child, unprocessed raw feelings may be traumatic. We want to avoid passing down our issues to the next generation. We have a grave responsibility to learn the words we need to process our emotions into feelings that we understand. Through our recovery work we have learned tools we can use to deal with issues, such as feeling overwhelmed or angry. Once our emotions have been processed into understandable feelings we can practice self care. Through using our tools we increase our self esteem and feel capable of controlling our strong emotions.
Fears can cause a multitude of problems in relationships. An example: When faced with an upcoming family gathering involving meeting new people for the first time, one partner may feel insecure. The insecurity may be based in low self esteem. Fear may take hold and as the event approaches the fearful partner may become ill and unable to attend. If this pattern manifests frequently in the relationship the other partner may eventually become angry and accuse the ill partner of not liking the family. A lack of understanding may cause a failure to communicate that the underlying issue is a fear of not being accepted.
It can be quite difficult to verbalize fears. Many of us experienced fear and trauma at an age where verbal language was not within our grasp. Two year olds have just learned how to ask for food or a toy. They do not have the words to discuss feelings. When caretakers frighten children with strong emotions of their own, such as anger or rage, children may become traumatized. Even five year olds rarely have the available verbiage to talk about emotions. If our caretakers were busy taking care of siblings, tending to a sick parent, going to work everyday and doing chores at home, going to school or just watching TV all day, no one was available to help us translate emotions into words. If our caretakers are the ones reacting with strong emotions, yelling often or becoming violent, there is no safe place for a child to take their emotions and get comfort and explanations.
By the time we have the needed vocabulary we are approaching twelve or thirteen years of age. At this point we have learned much about expressing feelings from our family of origin as well as our friends. Feelings may be unacceptable if our home is dysfunctional. Our experience with friends may make it uncool to talk about feelings. We may enter into adulthood almost illiterate regarding emotions. We have emotions, but may not be able to find the words to describe our feelings. This makes processing emotions quite difficult. We need language to allow our thinking brains to integrate our emotions into our selves.
This inability to join words to feelings leave us unable to tolerate strong emotions. We feel extreme unmanagability when strong emotions arrive. We react with our defenses to squelch the uncomfortable feelings. We have not learned how to process strong emotions and we are frightened by their intensity. As we learn which words to attach to the emotions we feel, our thinking brain can process them. We can integrate this new knowledge into our inner selves. Then next time the same strong emotion occurs we can be ready with our words. Our thinking minds can logically process the feelings for us creating increased self esteem and a feeling of control over our reactions.
This is vital for long term health. In order to create balance in our daily lives we must be able to process our emotions with our thinking minds. To rely on our reactive mind to guide us through the maze of feelings through our lives is inadvisable. It may leave us open to bouts of uncontrolled basic emotions, such as rage. These strong unprocessed raw emotions can be terrifying to witness, both for the one experiencing the emotions as well as for their partner.
The external view of raw unprocessed emotions appears uncontrolled and extremely frightening. Especially to a small child, unprocessed raw feelings may be traumatic. We want to avoid passing down our issues to the next generation. We have a grave responsibility to learn the words we need to process our emotions into feelings that we understand. Through our recovery work we have learned tools we can use to deal with issues, such as feeling overwhelmed or angry. Once our emotions have been processed into understandable feelings we can practice self care. Through using our tools we increase our self esteem and feel capable of controlling our strong emotions.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Why Don't My Kids Want to Visit Me?
25 Reasons Why your Kids Don't Want to Visit You after Divorce By Kenia Maldonado
Ever wonder why your child doesn't want to visit you? Here are 25 reasons to consider.
1. never really built a relationship with the child
2. speaking negatively about the other parent
3. not spending one on one time with the child
4. yelling, screaming and complaining
5. cancel visits
6. make promises you can’t keep
7. show up late for visits
8. being controlling and are not letting the child voice their opinion
9. not asking the child about his/her feelings
10. not planning for the visit in advance (fun activities)
11. mentally and/or physically abusive towards the child
12. neglecting the child’s needs
13. badgering the child to give up information about the other parent
14. not encouraging the child to visit
15.forget the child’s birthday and gift along with other special dates
16. not honest and the child does not trust you
17. blame the divorce on the child or the other parent
18. show favoritism for one child
19. always bring your girlfriend/boyfriend on the visit
20. put your child in uncomfortable situations
21. tell the child to keep secrets from the other parent
22.not allowing the child to speak to the other parent while the child is with you
23. not cool or fun enough to hang out with
24. tell the child “the courts says you have to visit”
25. use a negative tone with the child
Ever wonder why your child doesn't want to visit you? Here are 25 reasons to consider.
1. never really built a relationship with the child
2. speaking negatively about the other parent
3. not spending one on one time with the child
4. yelling, screaming and complaining
5. cancel visits
6. make promises you can’t keep
7. show up late for visits
8. being controlling and are not letting the child voice their opinion
9. not asking the child about his/her feelings
10. not planning for the visit in advance (fun activities)
11. mentally and/or physically abusive towards the child
12. neglecting the child’s needs
13. badgering the child to give up information about the other parent
14. not encouraging the child to visit
15.forget the child’s birthday and gift along with other special dates
16. not honest and the child does not trust you
17. blame the divorce on the child or the other parent
18. show favoritism for one child
19. always bring your girlfriend/boyfriend on the visit
20. put your child in uncomfortable situations
21. tell the child to keep secrets from the other parent
22.not allowing the child to speak to the other parent while the child is with you
23. not cool or fun enough to hang out with
24. tell the child “the courts says you have to visit”
25. use a negative tone with the child
Saturday, May 2, 2009
What Kind of Relationship Style Do I Have?
There are many varied styles of relationships. There are dependent, co-dependent, independent and inter-dependent. It is likely that whatever style of relationship we generally adopt with our partner, will be our style with all those with whom we associate. This information may be particularly helpful to us if we see the same type of difficulties surfacing in many of our relationships.
Dependent relationships may take place when one partner's investment in the relationship becomes extreme. This may lead to feelings of an inability to live without the other party. The over investor feels consumed by the relationship and may lose their individual identity. In this process, the relationship suffers as the over invested partner brings little back to the relationship. They are putting all their energy into only the relationship, and not living their own independent life.
Co-dependent relationships may happen when one partners needs consume the relationship causing the other party to constantly be in the position of supporter. This imbalance causes the partners to adopt roles in the relationship: caretaker, victim, persecutor. In this model, the relationship dwindles as the parties cannot be themselves. They must live within defined roles which may feel suffocating and stifle intimacy.
Independent relationships may occur when one of the partners fails to make a personal investment in the relationship due to excessive self interest. This precludes the development of intimacy. The uninvested party does not value the relationship and therefore creates imbalance through neglect. This may eventually leave the other partner feeling emotionally abandoned.
Inter-dependent relationships come about when two partners are willing to invest, commit, communicate, permit personal growth, support one another, and create balance. No one parties needs dominate the relationship. There is personal investment creating intimacy. Each partner has their own independent identity as well as an identity as party to the relationship.
It is likely that we have a blend of styles which identify our relationship pattern. We probably lean toward one overall style, but have some characteristics of others as a part of our overall relational style. Finding out how we interact with others, especially in intimate relationships, helps us understand ourselves and the reasons behind our interactions.
If we find we are not as inter-dependent as we had hoped, we can make positive changes toward that end. We can work on being more independent within our own lives, allowing us to bring more back to the relationship. We can focus on having a healthier balance between need and support if we find we are out of kilter. We can use the information we glean to better understand ourselves and our partners. This understanding can bring about increased intimacy as well as increased personal independence, resulting in our goal of inter-dependence.
Dependent relationships may take place when one partner's investment in the relationship becomes extreme. This may lead to feelings of an inability to live without the other party. The over investor feels consumed by the relationship and may lose their individual identity. In this process, the relationship suffers as the over invested partner brings little back to the relationship. They are putting all their energy into only the relationship, and not living their own independent life.
Co-dependent relationships may happen when one partners needs consume the relationship causing the other party to constantly be in the position of supporter. This imbalance causes the partners to adopt roles in the relationship: caretaker, victim, persecutor. In this model, the relationship dwindles as the parties cannot be themselves. They must live within defined roles which may feel suffocating and stifle intimacy.
Independent relationships may occur when one of the partners fails to make a personal investment in the relationship due to excessive self interest. This precludes the development of intimacy. The uninvested party does not value the relationship and therefore creates imbalance through neglect. This may eventually leave the other partner feeling emotionally abandoned.
Inter-dependent relationships come about when two partners are willing to invest, commit, communicate, permit personal growth, support one another, and create balance. No one parties needs dominate the relationship. There is personal investment creating intimacy. Each partner has their own independent identity as well as an identity as party to the relationship.
It is likely that we have a blend of styles which identify our relationship pattern. We probably lean toward one overall style, but have some characteristics of others as a part of our overall relational style. Finding out how we interact with others, especially in intimate relationships, helps us understand ourselves and the reasons behind our interactions.
If we find we are not as inter-dependent as we had hoped, we can make positive changes toward that end. We can work on being more independent within our own lives, allowing us to bring more back to the relationship. We can focus on having a healthier balance between need and support if we find we are out of kilter. We can use the information we glean to better understand ourselves and our partners. This understanding can bring about increased intimacy as well as increased personal independence, resulting in our goal of inter-dependence.
Friday, May 1, 2009
How Can I Tell If My Relationship Is Healthy?
In thinking about our relationships we can readily see the view from our own perspective. We have a lens through which we view the world that we developed during our childhood with our family of origin. We may have witnessed our caretakers discussing issues in a productive way, making compromises and finally coming to an agreement. In this way we learned how to productively negotiate to accomplish our goal within the boundaries of a relationship.
But what if we instead witnessed heated arguments or screaming matches, long lists of past offenses and degrading comments that inevitably led to extended periods of silence with no resolution. Alternately we may have seen one party always allowing the other to have their way with no compromise or discussion. What happens to our interpretation of how to conduct ourselves within relationships, when our ability to learn and emulate is broken by dysfunction.
Children depend on their caretakers to interpret the world for them. They don’t have the ability to interpret or understand their emotional responses on any significant level until about age five. Young children mirror their caretakers facial expressions and body language, thereby emulating the feelings of their caretakers. Additionally, they don’t have the capacity to fully process their feelings into decipherable thoughts paired with words until about age twelve.
If our caretakers are unable to provide a healthy example to us of appropriate behavior in relationships, we may have no other model available for comparison. Since we are young and uninformed, we adopt the patterns from our family of origin, healthy or otherwise. As we grow into adults and enter into relationships of our own, we may unconsciously duplicate these patterns absorbed during our childhoods.
We are initially attracted to our partners because it “feels right” to be with them. We may not realize it but we are like broken jigsaw puzzle pieces, looking for our missing counterparts. When we find a fit it feels familiar. All too often that familiarity is a replay of unfinished business from our dysfunctional childhoods. We have found a partner who’s characteristics gives us a choice. We either have the opportunity to heal from past wounds, or to replay the same old hurtful patterns we lived through as children. How we use this opportunity is up to us.
Virginia Satir, family therapist states that “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible. The kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”
The same is true in relationships. Nurturing healthy relationships offer partners the ability to be supported while allowing for individual expression. Open communication between partners where both feel free to express themselves in the relationship is crucial. Differences between partners become areas providing opportunity for learning and appreciation of one another’s strengths. Making mistakes is seen as unavoidable and understanding is available to smooth over rough spots. Rules are flexible to allow for individual creativity and growth within the bounds agreed upon by the parties.
Dysfunctional relationships offer no such rewards. Partners often feel suffocated by constraints in communication and inflexibility in rules. Differences may not be tolerated and individuality may be seen as a threat. The unspoken rules in many dysfunctional relationships may be, don’t think (for yourself, don’t rock the boat), don’t talk (about problems or issues), and don’t feel (or at least don’t talk about feelings if you happen to have them). This type of stifling of communication leads to festering of emotions, building walls between partners and turning unresolved issues into feelings of anger and bitterness.
Counseling can provide a open forum whereby partners can express themselves to one another in a safe environment. Having a disinterested third party present can give partners a window into the relationship from a new point of view. Often times all that is needed to get a relationship back on track is a chance for partners to see themselves as others see them. This paradigm shift can be a powerful experience allowing for internal motivation to change.
If partners accept one another’s basic personalities and feel committed to working on themselves and their relationship, there are few issues that cannot be overcome with enough time, effort and love. We commit to practicing using our tools in our daily lives to increase our self esteem. We give ourselves time to reflect and make gradual changes. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes and learning from them. We learn the art of apologizing when we falter. In this way we create the relationship that we desire and give ourselves the gift of hope.
But what if we instead witnessed heated arguments or screaming matches, long lists of past offenses and degrading comments that inevitably led to extended periods of silence with no resolution. Alternately we may have seen one party always allowing the other to have their way with no compromise or discussion. What happens to our interpretation of how to conduct ourselves within relationships, when our ability to learn and emulate is broken by dysfunction.
Children depend on their caretakers to interpret the world for them. They don’t have the ability to interpret or understand their emotional responses on any significant level until about age five. Young children mirror their caretakers facial expressions and body language, thereby emulating the feelings of their caretakers. Additionally, they don’t have the capacity to fully process their feelings into decipherable thoughts paired with words until about age twelve.
If our caretakers are unable to provide a healthy example to us of appropriate behavior in relationships, we may have no other model available for comparison. Since we are young and uninformed, we adopt the patterns from our family of origin, healthy or otherwise. As we grow into adults and enter into relationships of our own, we may unconsciously duplicate these patterns absorbed during our childhoods.
We are initially attracted to our partners because it “feels right” to be with them. We may not realize it but we are like broken jigsaw puzzle pieces, looking for our missing counterparts. When we find a fit it feels familiar. All too often that familiarity is a replay of unfinished business from our dysfunctional childhoods. We have found a partner who’s characteristics gives us a choice. We either have the opportunity to heal from past wounds, or to replay the same old hurtful patterns we lived through as children. How we use this opportunity is up to us.
Virginia Satir, family therapist states that “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible. The kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”
The same is true in relationships. Nurturing healthy relationships offer partners the ability to be supported while allowing for individual expression. Open communication between partners where both feel free to express themselves in the relationship is crucial. Differences between partners become areas providing opportunity for learning and appreciation of one another’s strengths. Making mistakes is seen as unavoidable and understanding is available to smooth over rough spots. Rules are flexible to allow for individual creativity and growth within the bounds agreed upon by the parties.
Dysfunctional relationships offer no such rewards. Partners often feel suffocated by constraints in communication and inflexibility in rules. Differences may not be tolerated and individuality may be seen as a threat. The unspoken rules in many dysfunctional relationships may be, don’t think (for yourself, don’t rock the boat), don’t talk (about problems or issues), and don’t feel (or at least don’t talk about feelings if you happen to have them). This type of stifling of communication leads to festering of emotions, building walls between partners and turning unresolved issues into feelings of anger and bitterness.
Counseling can provide a open forum whereby partners can express themselves to one another in a safe environment. Having a disinterested third party present can give partners a window into the relationship from a new point of view. Often times all that is needed to get a relationship back on track is a chance for partners to see themselves as others see them. This paradigm shift can be a powerful experience allowing for internal motivation to change.
If partners accept one another’s basic personalities and feel committed to working on themselves and their relationship, there are few issues that cannot be overcome with enough time, effort and love. We commit to practicing using our tools in our daily lives to increase our self esteem. We give ourselves time to reflect and make gradual changes. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes and learning from them. We learn the art of apologizing when we falter. In this way we create the relationship that we desire and give ourselves the gift of hope.
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