Do You Know the Early Warning Signs of Abuse?

This blog references an excellent post written by Dr. Steven Stosny, as expert in the field of relationship counseling, emotional abuse and domestic violence. We are encouraged to take note of the information provided by Dr. Stosny with regard to very early warning signs in potential partners. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/emotional-abuse-verbal-abuse-very-early-warning-signs
Many of us have been involved in relationships where we have been abused either financially, emotionally or physically. We recall how difficult it was to extricate ourselves from the grip of that relationship. How much we might have appreciated knowing these very early warning signs before we became involved, allowed our inner selves to be crushed, then needed to practice daily self care to rebuild our shattered self esteem.

We thank our Higher Power for our path, our tools, our ability to associate with those who have walked the path before us showing us the light at the end of the tunnel. How much pain we might have avoided had we been aware of these red flags. We have discussed this information time and again, but having it all in one post is an invaluable tool.

In reading Dr. Stosny's post we can marvel at the many items that catch our attention. We read various early warning signs and realize that our partner did in fact do many of these things early on in our relationships. Blaming ourselves for not realizing is unnecessary and hurtful. We must be gentle with ourselves and not go down that road again. We forgive ourselves for not knowing. We are on the right path taking one step forward day by day.

We can feel blessed that we have been on the road to recovery and can now practice self care. We use our tools in our daily lives increasing our self esteem each and every day. We pass along these important points to help others in avoiding these pitfalls. As we reach out to inform others we use our tools to share rather than control. We allow others to make their own decisions and face their own consequences. This is the essence of detachment and self care.

Please read the linked post as pass it along to whomever you believe might benefit from it's content. Consider it a part of your recovery journey, sharing valuable information and life's lessons. Let your Higher Power guide you in your choices to share.

Using Your Struggle Muscle!!

Has life gotten too easy? Is our routine causing us to become bored? Are we creating drama in our lives to fill up the empty space? What can we do to overcome our addiction to drama?

Many of us grew up in families of origin that were filled with the drama of chaos in every day life. We may have had caretakers who could barely manage their own lives... siblings who created intense drama around themselves... a family member who was disabled... neighbors who created chaos and drama within their home and out into the street involving others. Not to mention an addict or alcoholic in the family. Some of us have been caught in the inter-generational caretaking trap... caring for both children and parents simultaneously. This can leave us exhausted, drained and without time to live lives of our own.

Any or all of these situations creates an imbalance in our internal rheostat. We become drama addicts. Over time our bodies become accustomed to the shots of adrenaline we receive from our flight/fright/freeze response which reacts instinctively when we are stimulated in chaos. As we grow up in a constant state of arousal, due to the chaos in our families of origin, we become adrenaline addicts. When nothing is happening we feel sluggish, down, somewhat depressed, tired, bored, and generally disinterested until... BAM ...we get a shot of adrenaline when our friend calls and tells us that she and her husband are having a fight again. Drama!! We are wide awake, alert, up, focused, energized and ready to interact. It's so much better than coffee!!

What happens when we walk the path to recovery and our challenges begin to dissipate? Some of us suddenly find that our lives have become boring, empty, without meaning, tiresome. We miss our daily doses of adrenaline. We feel useless. Our bodies literally feel different. The chemical addiction lessens over time, but our mental addiction must be addressed as well.

We may react by creating drama in our daily lives to fill the empty space. We don't have to go down that road. We can, instead, pursue hobbies and interests that we previously didn't have time to learn. We can paint, draw, attend theater, musical concerts, visit museums, learn a new language, try our hand at crafts, run a garage sale, refinish a special piece of furniture, read, exercise, volunteer or join a club.

When our time is absorbed caretaking others we may neglect our own lives for extended periods of time. This may leave us with a big empty space where caretaking and drama used to live. As we walk the path of recovery it is imperative that we take up new challenges to fill the void left by the old habits we no longer wish to pursue. Nature abhors a vacuum. If we do not fill the space by choice we run the risk of our hold habits returning and taking hold once again.

We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves much needed self care. We make efforts not to isolate, to socialize with others both in and out of recovery. As we continue to remain vigilant in our pursuit of recovery we increase our self esteem. In this way we rebuild our life.

Our Rights and Responsibilities as Citizens

Two American journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, have been sentenced to twelve years hard labor in North Korea. Although there is the possibility that they may be pardoned as a result of diplomatic efforts in the weeks and months ahead, we cannot help but think of the terror that must exist within their hearts during this very dark time. We as a nation pray for their safe return.

This situation brings home the important point that we, America, must never again engage in the kind of inhumane treatment of prisoners that has occurred over the past seven years during the Bush/Cheney administration. The North Koreans arrested, charged, tried and convicted these two young women in a space of just a few months. We certainly have the ability to do the same here in the US. Holding detainees without charges for extended periods of time cannot be permitted. We must continue to be a beacon of enlightenment to the world, not a picture of hypocrisy. If people are arrested they should be charged, tried and either convicted or freed within a reasonable time period. No nation has the right to hold foreign nationals in limbo for indefinite periods of time.

Our nation was built to be an example of human rights and tolerance. We must rise to the occasion whether we are living in peace or not. Intolerance gives way to abuses of the kind we have seen over the past seven years. We do not live in isolation and can no longer afford to pretend that we have all the answers.

We the people of the United States have the right to speak our piece. We have the right and the responsibility to speak out when we find the conduct of our government unacceptable. The way we treat those who break our laws is a reflection of who we are within. When our government shames our citizens we must act to correct the situation. No one is exempt. Those who have broken the law must be shunned. They are an embarrassment to us, the people of the United States of America.

I Said I'm Fine!!!

Many times a man who is deep in thought may say they are 'fine' in response to their partners query when their body language clearly says otherwise. How do we respond to this dichotomy?

We ultimately call this type of response mixed messages. It can be confusing to a partner who sees one thing (body language) and is told another (verbal message). Although he is technically being dishonest, there are times in relationships when one partner is lost in thought, not focused on the news, processing the events of the day. He may be processing an issue and not be clear enough in his mind to be able to discuss it yet. It may not even be related to his partner.

Many men and women process very differently. Women often process through talk and sharing (outward) whereas men often process through thought and reflection (inward). Many times women attempt closeness and reconnection after being apart from their partners by talking and sharing about their day. They may feel the need to reconnect even more strongly during times when men are distracted by TV or the newspaper. Men, on the other hand, do not reconnect in this same way, thus his answer of "fine" may be his way of getting some mental space to work through the processing of his day. He may not feel it is important to talk about it, not realizing that his partner may feel disconnected by his response.

Women may feel disconnected from their men when partners return to one another after their day and have opposing needs. Men may need to relax and have down time...time to process their day within themselves. Women may need to talk and reconnect. They need to process their day by sharing it with their man. This dichotomy may cause many problems when couples don't realize why they feel differently and misinterpret their partners actions.

Someone asking, "What's the matter?" to a display of body language that says closed (crossed arms) and thinking (wiggling foot) seems to be modeling behavior that says, "I care about you and want to know if you are upset about something." However, the recipient may feel reluctant to discuss a problem or issue that has not been fully thought through, not wanting to seem indecisive or unable to come to a conclusion on their own.

Thus we have a dilemma. If we are able to realize that we are different from our partner we can use our tools to practice self care while we allow our partner to process their day in their own manner. If we need to talk while our partner needs to introspect, we can either wait until he is ready or we can call a friend to chat. If we need to introspect while our partner needs to talk, we can either choose to wait to process our day or ask her to give us some time to relax first. As long as we choose to communicate effectively and respect each others differing needs, we can overcome these obstacles to connection and resume our intimacy without conflict.

Using our tools keeps us grounded in our needs and allows us to recognize that it is our differences that make each of us unique individuals. We can respect each other within the relationship while still being able to meet each others needs when we bend to compromise. In this way we both eventually have the chance to relax and reconnect leading to healthier relating and intimacy.

We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves the gift of self care. In this way we increase the mutual respect in our relationship and allow our partner the freedom to practice self care as well.

Feeling Greedy?

It's always a difficult time when someone we love passes away. We feel pain inside where there used to be wholeness. We hope that in time the pain of grieving will pass and we will feel whole once again. What happens to us when greed takes over our family after a tragedy? How do we cope with the ensuing drama and chaos that threatens to stall us in our grieving process?

We may experience losing a loved one as a crisis. The pain of loss, comfort, support and safety is too great to bear. This may lead to acting out grief through greed. Often times when a loved one passes away there may be infighting among family members trying to grab a share of the pie. This type of activity can stall the grieving process. The daily drama directs energy away from allowing feelings to progress naturally through the stages of grief. We may end up stuck in one of the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining or depression. Our goal is to attain the fifth stage, acceptance, but our journey may be frought with difficulties when bickering takes the place of solace and empathy.

If we are not permitted the chance to feel and process our pain and loss we may become unable to move forward with our lives. We may shut down our feelings and become numb. We may opt for self medication, abusing alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or food. We may make hasty decisions that do not reflect our usual ability to respond rather than react. Our inability to process our grief may affect every area of our lives from our health to our relationships.

We may behave in abrasive and insensitive ways when we are filled with pain and sadness. We may become absorbed in our loss and attempt to grab more than our share of the estate of our loved one in an attempt to fill the gaping wound we feel inside. We must come to realize that no amount of things or funds will replace the person we have lost. The pain will not be mitigated by filling our lives with trinkets. The loss is real and we must come to terms with it. This will only happen as we permit ourselves to move through all the stages of grief.

Creating a diversion of drama over assets may take our mind off our loss for a time, but eventually we will be faced with the enormity of the fact that our loved one has passed on. If we delay our process we will only increase the amount of time it takes us to become whole once again.

Our most healthy choice is to reach out for support from those who love us and are willing to stand by us during our time of trial. We can attend support groups at local area hospitals, called bereavement groups. They are designed to help us get through our loss by encouraging the expression of feelings that come to us during the processing of grief. We are supported by others who have also lost loved ones and are traveling the same road.

Our lives may become quite tumultuous following the death of a family member. We must take time out for self care. Especially if we are responsible for the care of remaining family, it is imperative that we make the committment to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care on a daily basis, reach out for support to our network and higher power, and allow ourselves time to process our own feelings. If we need to attend a bereavement group, it is a gift we give ourselves. We do whatever we can to soothe those around us, giving ourselves the same soothing in the process. Life will return to balance in time. We must learn the art of acceptance.

A wise woman once said: "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it."

American Terrorism, AlQaida and the Taliban

The Taliban and AlQaida are intolerant groups of terrorist cells who band together to eradicate ideology that they find disagrees with their fundamental religious beliefs. They believe that those who practice different sets of religious principles are a threat to the safety of their society. They believe that justifies killing those who would threaten their way of life.

We here in America have found that to be intolerable. We have gone to war as a result of this ideology, costing thousands of lives, both American, Afghani, Pakistani and Iraqi in the process. We have denounced terrorism as a threat to global security and the possibility of peace in our world. We have stated that we as a nation believe in tolerance of all faiths and beliefs. It is what our country has stood for over the past two hundred plus years of its existence.

I now watch in horror as an American doctor is again assassinated. This time while attending church with his family. He was targeted by violent radical right wing conservative Christian based anti-abortion terrorist cells operating here in America. This is hardly the first assassination carried out by these cells whose repertoire include: repeated bombings, shootings, vandalism and death threats.

It is implausible to me that we are willing to enforce our beliefs that terrorism is unacceptable in the world arena with the lives of our military men and women, yet we take insufficient action here at home. We are more than capable of dismembering these cells here in America and letting those who encourage terrorism suffer the consequences of their actions.

This is not an anti-abortion or pro-choice issue. We cannot allow terrorism to survive here in America with regard to any issue. It is simply not acceptable for people who live in this country to decide to take matters into their own hands due to intolerance, prejudice, differences in ideology or just plain rage. Should we permit this type of behavior to go unpunished, we become that which we despise... a lawless state ruled by the ideology of the strict.

We cannot control what radical right wing media may state publicly, whether on radio, television or in print, but we can control how we participate in allowing them to reap profit based on our viewership. I suggest that whenever we frequent any establishment that airs radical right wing media in any form that we ask graciously that the channel be changed. Maybe if we, the citizens of America, finally refuse to listen to or watch the stoking of the flames of hatred and bigotry, those who perpetrate its message solely for ratings and monetary gain, will finally find something more productive to talk about.

Has our society degenerated into the same terrorism that we abhor in the Taliban and AlQaida?

I'm So Mad I Could Just...

What do we do when we feel resentment toward our partner? How do we get past the challenge and renew the loving connection we long to feel once again?

When feeling resentful, our inner voice tells us we want our partner to care about the way we are feeling. This seems a natural state of affairs. To that end we may try to explain why we are upset, give our partner a long list of current and past offenses, cry, become angry, manipulate, use the silent treatment and many other expressions of our displeasure. Our inner child stamps our feet and fusses trying whatever works to draw attention and gain understanding from our partner. The apparent flaw in this logic is that our reaction to our resentful feelings, create exactly what we are trying to overcome... feelings of resentment in our partner. We have treated our partner with the same insensitivity and coarseness that created our initial resentment.

We know how difficult it is to be empathetic toward our partner when we are feeling resentful. We may have been treated in ways that were hurtful and unpleasant. We may feel violated or used. We feel righteous in our indignation. We may be unaware and disinterested in our partners feelings while in this state. We have become insensitive and coarse toward our partner.

Conversely, our partner probably feels exactly the same way toward us now that we are angry and resentful. This is the core of the dilemma. Much as the itch/scratch theory, it is unimportant who began the conflict or resentments, if the goal is to return to loving communication and warmth. The way out is to regain our balance and center ourselves.

We take a time our for self care. We give ourselves some space and alone time. We use that time to reflect on all that has happened leading us to this place of resentment. If we have been using our tools and giving ourselves appropriate self care throughout our recovery, we will slowly be able to see our part in the conflict. Our ownership of the responsibility for our part in the discord enables us to let go of our resentments. We can then approach our partner in love and discuss our differences from our center using detachment.

We use "I" statements focusing ourselves on our part of the problem and making amends where necessary. We ask our partner if we have missed any area of responsibility prior to moving on with the discussion. We give our partner a chance to take personal responsibility themselves before we point out areas of discontent. If we have been diligent in our efforts to be forthcoming our partner may well respond in kind. We can give ourselves credit for having the maturity to respond vs react. Our self esteem flourishes when we treat ourselves, our partner and our relationship with gentleness and dignity. We recall that we create balanced karma when we give what we wish to receive.

In continuing to use our tools we develop the skills we need to overcome resentments in our relationship preventing bitterness from taking root. We practice self care in our daily lives increasing our self esteem each time we succeed in responding vs reacting to the challenges put before us. In this way we give ourselves the gift of honest loving communication.