Why Try Counseling?

Why should we try counseling? That is a great question. One that bears examination as many partners turn to counseling in an attempt to strengthen and rebuild their relationship.

When partners begin a relationship they are generally thrilled with each other. They may spot areas early on that may be irritating or annoying, but are willing to overlook them because the strong positive feelings they share greatly outweigh any negative. Over time as partners become more comfortable with one another they begin to let down their defenses. They feel more accepted and begin to share their inner selves, allowing themselves to be more vulnerable. This increases their level of intimacy.

At this point the relationship is a living entity. It is being nurtured and fed by both partners on a daily basis. Many deposits are being made on each side and few withdrawals. The health meter of the relationship is high and the fuel tank is filled each day.

The intimacy of the relationship may begin to trigger old issues from the past for one or both of the partners. Intimacy can be threatening when partners feel old wounds from their past and don't understand what is happening to them. Suddenly they are upset or angry and don't understand why. In the blink of an eye an argument may erupt. Partners blame one another often unable to see their own part in the disputes.

Because of the high level of intimacy between the partners, even small disagreements can wound deeply. Walls begin to emerge. Each hurtful glance or sarcastic remark puts another brick in the wall. At first the overall health of the relationship compensates for the difficulties. The high level of past deposits allows for much forgiveness. But now the relationship is no longer being fed. Many withdrawals have been made. The account balances have dipped dangerously low. Partners have begun to tend to their wounds and place bricks in the wall. They have little energy left to feed the relationship. They have forgotten that the relationship is a living entity requiring care and nurturing to survive. As they continue to ignore their daily deposits the relationship bank account becomes overdrawn and the health meter dips down towards dysfunction. As this point the relationship is slowly dying.

Many times partners simply do not understand that feeling unease at new levels of intimacy is a normal part of the growth process. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable can be terrifying, especially if we have lived with masks most of our lives. We have entered into a relationship with someone who has earned our trust and we expose the soft underbelly of ourselves. This complete openness may be frightening. If our self esteem is low, we may be unable to cope with the strong feelings that such vulnerability generates.

Getting help can reverse this process. Increasing the self esteem of each of the partners can rebuild the process that the parties used in the beginning to feed their relationship. Learning the tools of self care and applying them in our daily lives increases our self esteem. We can learn communication skills to effectively listen when our partner speaks and feel heard when we share. Compromise done in healthy ways creates loving bonds between partners who feel cared for and valued within their relationship.

It is imperative that we understand that our relationship is a living entity that requires daily care and feeding. When we practice the tools of communication, self care and compromise we insure that we will have the energy needed to make daily deposits into our relationship to ensure it's long life. Our relationship is our safety net. We rely on it to provide a safe haven for our partner, ourselves and our family. It deserves our attention and our care. As we use our tools, practice self care, communicate effectively and learn to compromise we increase our self esteem, rebuild the health of our relationship and give ourselves the gift of hope.

Self Care in Tough Economic Times

Wall street has raped our economy and now we face the worst recession in decades. The nation pulls together behind our new President to try to keep the recession from becoming a depression. In the process, tens of thousand lose their jobs, their medical coverage, their retirement savings, their homes and their self respect. What do we do if this happens to us?

In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.

We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.

At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.

I Just Can't Find the Words

We are on our way out for the day with our partner. We laugh and hold hands as we leave the house. One of the kids has again left their bike out on the lawn. They have been asked to put it in the garage countless times. Our partner gets upset, picks up the bike and puts it in the garage, making a few angry comments in the process. We say nothing and continue on to the car to wait for our partner to join us.

As we drive away we notice our partner is silent. We ask if they are all right and receive a short clipped, yes. Obviously everything is not all right. We feel that they are asking to be drawn out and once again ask gently if all is well. The explosion that follows lasts only seconds, but rocks us to our core. We are stunned by the intensity of the emotional outburst. We sit in hurt silence for a few moments then ask for an explanation. We are told nothing.

Does this seem all too familiar? In cave man times looking into the face of a predator didn't require thought, just reflexive action to keep us alive. That age old survival response system still takes over when we feel threatened. We may no longer be looking into the face of a predator, but our threat response is just as strong. Intense emotions cause our thinking brain, the cerebral cortex, to shut off. The last thing we need when staring into the face of a lion are random thoughts to distract us from surviving. Today's lion may be something as inconsequential as the kids bike or the credit card bill.

Our ability to rebound, after a perceived threat causes our survival response to kick in, is an indication of our emotional health. For some, the thinking and processing of strong emotions is so painful that it can take many hours. This can leave the other party wondering what has gone wrong. Here is where effective communication becomes paramount. In the example above, the overwhelmed party can let their partner know that they are unable to process their feelings as of yet, but will get back to the issue as soon as they can. This gives the overwhelmed partner time to process their emotions and associated feelings, and lets the other party know that these hurtful actions will be talked about at some point.

Children who have lived in a home with much chaos and drama may have no one to teach them how to regain their emotional center when they feel threatened. They may be left to cope on their own with virtually no skills. Many children find numbing themselves the safest way to overcome the extreme pain that being emotionally abandoned brings. As adults, the lack of coping skills that would normally be developed during childhood, makes dealing with strong emotions unbearable. To avoid processing the intense feelings that are associated with survival emotions, these adults still use their childhood defense mechanisms. They shut down and feel nothing. This leaves their partners and family feeling unimportant, ignored and unloved. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. Being numb, even for a time, protected them as children from the trauma of emotional abandonment. These adults can learn to feel strong emotions a little at a time.

With our tools and ability to apply consistent self care in our daily lives, we can cope effectively with a partner who may find strong emotions overwhelming. As our partner learns to practice self care and use their tools, they can begin to process strong emotions more effectively. In this way we practice commitment in our relationship and detachment from our partner as we both grow in our ability to communicate and compromise.

Life is just... Life

Life is so hard! It's not fair! Why is this happening to me? I didn't do anything! I can't take it anymore! Who says so! How could this be possible? I wasn't there! When will all the drama end? If I have to say this one more time...! Why do I let this go on? Sound familiar???

No one said life would be easy. Life is just... life. And yes, life often isn't very fair. Kind, decent people die in terrible ways in wars. Stuff just... happens, and sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all. Life can be random and chaotic. Yet, through all the disappointment, loss and pain, there is the other side of life... the joyful, loving, balanced part where ordinary people live out a good portion of their lives with a significant degree of happiness. Yes, the painful times come to us all. How we cope with them is more of an indicator of our mental stability than how we enjoy the happier times.

These are the reasons we use our tools, practice self care, make our daily lives as positive as possible and try to see the glass as half full. We have many assets available for use in our lives. The most valuable of these is time. That is the one that we cannot recoup, cannot rewind, cannot say, "Do over!!" when it has past. We try to live each day to its fullest. We allow ourselves to be as present in each moment as humanly possible.

It is the realization that we have a limited amount of time in our lives that brings many of us to that point where we want to live a more meaningful existence. We question how we have used our time thus far and begin to make informed decisions about what we intend to do with the remainder of our lives. We can think about our choices with the following in mind: When we are lying on our death beds, what will we wish we had done more of? That is the place to begin spending our time.

Life is just... life. Make it the best trip!!

Work that Struggle Muscle - Persistence

What is it, that inner something that drives us to keep on trying to figure out the solution to a dilemma? The answer is persistence. The part of us that believes that puzzling out the solution is a part of life's journey. We may be faced with serious problems or difficult situations that require introspection, communication and compromise, but persistence is the key to overcoming those challenges.

When we make a commitment to work on a relationship the path is often fraught with difficulties. Some days the obstacles may seem overwhelming. We continue to make the efforts because we believe that they will yield results. During our lifetimes we may have learned that increased effort on our part in trying new and different methods of solving life's problems have proved successful. When we continue to be open minded about the path that may lie before us, we give ourselves the opportunity for growth. We allow all possibilities to be presented to us for consideration. It may be that we cannot see the path that will lead us to joy. Our limited vision may not be able to discern the best road ahead.

Often times we may fear introspection, communication and compromise. If we have been seriously wounded in the past we may feel that looking within will leave us vulnerable to pain and injury once again. Our defenses may have left us with walls that permit no one in or out. If we stay behind these walls we may be safe, but we sacrifice intimacy and joy for our safety. Our partner may eventually yearn for the intimacy we do not permit and may be drawn away from the relationship.

To prevent ourselves from losing our relationship, we invest time in learning the skills needed to accomplish the introspection we require to see ourselves as others see us. We cannot do this alone. We can see ourselves only through the lens of our inner eye. The paradigm shift necessary for us to begin to see ourselves as others see us, requires input from an external source. We seek out a balanced individual with no stake in our lives to assist us in this journey.

We make the commitment to ourselves to learn appropriate communication skills, so as not to wound others with our pain. Recall that, hurt people, hurt people. No, that's not a typo. It is a fact. Once we are wounded, in an attempt to protect ourselves, we may fall back on survival and defense mechanisms learned in early childhood without realizing it. We inadvertently lash out, wounding others. Sadly, most often we wound those we love the most. Acquiring adept communication skills is a key to unlocking our survival and defense mechanisms. Once we can properly communicate with our partner, we can increase our intimacy level through introspection and compromise. These efforts take persistence and commitment to work through the challenges that present themselves as we shore up the foundation of our relationship.

As we practice persistence in our daily lives, and use our tools for self care, we increase our self esteem. Our belief in our ability to trust our decision making increases. We become more willing to risk vulnerability, leading us to the gift of intimacy in our relationships.

Shock and Disbelief... My Partner Wants to Leave

Spent some time tonight reading the blogs posted by folks going through serious difficulties with their partners. It seemed that there was a pattern in relationship failure that cropped up over and over again. One partner being shocked by the other wanting to leave the relationship and seemingly completely unaware of the deep unhappiness that their partner was feeling.

This speaks to a lack of communication between partners, as well as a failure on the part of both parties to address issues before they become serious road blocks to moving forward. In many instances small problems are swept under the rug as partners try to get along. They do not want to spend their time talking out thorny issues that they may feel are too explosive or too difficult to try to negotiate via compromise. Some may convince themselves that they are doing their partner a favor in keeping the peace. In reality, those issues that do not get discussed are generally the ones that are most important and need attention.

The investment of time discussing and working through smaller problems may eliminate the necessity of dealing with huge hurdles later on in the relationship. Getting along on a day to day basis is crucial in building a foundation for the future. However, ignoring small irritations eventually builds walls between partners that over time may turn into resentment and bitterness. The bricks in a wall of resentment cemented by bitterness are very difficult to tear down.

It behooves us to take what is called the five year test when deciding to address an issue. Will this matter in five years? If the answer is yes, then it must eventually be deal with at an appropriate time. If the answer is no, why deal with it at all. In this way we select what is important to us according to our values. We want to win overall in the relationship, not focus on the small unimportant nuisances. We must be honest with ourselves if this strategy is going to succeed. Can we really live with the issue in our daily lives if we do not address it? Do we have the tools to let it go? Does this violate one of our core values or beliefs? If we are truly honest with ourselves, we can navigate what may appear to be a mine field with clarity and self knowledge.

Our goal is to make our relationships more joyful and fulfilling. Effective communication may take up large blocks of time and feel awkward initially, but the dividends paid in the long run in intimacy and self esteem are priceless.

HELP... My Partner's Having An Emotional Meltdown

It's been one of those days when we've been trying to keep ourselves calm and centered in the midst of our partner having a melt down. As the pressure and hostility build, we feel as if we are about to explode. We bite our tongue, the air crackles with tension, we feel as if we are going to scream. What do we do now? What tools do we have to help us get through this crisis?

One of the most difficult times we may face in a relationship comes when our partner becomes emotionally unbalanced and cannot soothe themselves back into stability. The ensuing hours or days can be draining, upsetting and extremely difficult. A partner who has this pattern may be unpredictable in daily life causing much stress and tension. Unpredictability creates a feeling of walking on egg shells and the need by others to be hyper-vigilant in an attempt to avoid potentially triggering an emotional melt down.

Why is it that some people can effectively calm themselves in short order, while others may take hours or even days to regain balance? When we are small children we do not have the capacity to self soothe. We depend on our caretakers to lull us back into balance when we have become upset. They may cuddle us, coo at us, talk gently to us or simply smile at us. We respond by emulating their emotional stability. We imprint their model for handling stress onto our lives and make it our own.

What happens when our caretakers are unable to handle the stress in their lives... when they do not have the capacity to bring themselves back into balance? A caretaker who is in turmoil may not have the presence of mind to realize that their inability to interact appropriately with their environment is being imprinted on their children. If we grew up in a home with drama, tension, hostility and anger, it is likely that we may be unable to moderate our emotions. We may, as children, have never seen emotional balance exemplified and therefore have no experience with appropriate reactions. When we became emotionally upset, there may have been no one who was centered to soothe us back into balance. Now as adults, we are unlikely to be able to bring ourselves back into balance after emotional upset. We may have relied upon external regulators to accomplish this for us with unhappy results.

If our partner is one who may not be able to regain their emotional balance easily, we must practice self care at those difficult times. One of our most effective tools is to take ourselves out of the equation. We recognize that our partner is having an emotional melt down. We realize that we cannot stop the process, nor are we responsible for our partners inability to process their feelings in an appropriate manner. There is nothing we can do to help our partner.

We can take care of ourselves. We lovingly excuse ourselves from the situation. We can take a walk, go for a drive, enjoy a hot bath, get a latte, visit a friend or just run an errand. Getting ourselves out of the situation and away from the tension for even a half hour can be enough to regain our center and perspective. We will need all our empathy to get through the next few hours. We may wish to focus on how grateful we are that we can moderate our own emotional response, and how unfortunate it is that our partner must suffer so greatly.

Once we have regained our composure and feel calm we can make an informed decision about our next action. If our partner has a pattern that takes many hours or days, we may wish to take in a movie, do some shopping, visit a museum or just spend time with friends. We allow ourselves to enjoy our time and give our partner the space to deal with their feelings. We can let our partner know that we will be available when they have regained focus and wish to once again to be part of our social circle.

It may be tempting to become enraged at our partner when this pattern repeats itself in our daily lives. We may begin to feel that precious time is being wasted. We must recall that we are in charge of how we use our time. We have the choice in each moment of what we do next. If we practice self care and allow ourselves to feel pleasure and joy despite our partners situation, we will use our time productively and increase our self esteem.

Although we may feel we are abandoning our partner at a critical time, we are in reality doing them a great service. We are telling them through our actions that they are valued and loved, that we have confidence that they are competent to handle their situation without assistance and return to us a calmer more centered person. In this way we allow our partner to build their self esteem as they learn to manage their emotions in a productive way, without having us present as a distraction or pathway for blame. At the same time we give ourselves the gift of time... time to enjoy our daily lives and pursue our own interests and pleasures.