Keeping Our Relationships Out of the Toilet When the Economy Tanks

What do we do when the economy is causing our partner to go through difficult times? How can we be supportive? How can we use these times to promote trust and intimacy in our relationship?

The economy is in a downward spiral causing increased pressure at most companies. The amount of incoming work has decreased as customers tighten their belts and brace for tough times ahead. This creates tension in employees as they worry if their jobs are on the line. Since many of us view ourselves largely through our success at work, this increased stress can impact our relationships both at the office and at home.

Our partner may have significant feelings of helplessness during times such as these. Being a family member and part of the team of providers in a home, creates responsibilities that are taken seriously by both partners. Particularly for men, for whom work may be a major part of their identity, feeling powerless to stave off an impending loss of income may be extremely distressing. Women's identities are also attached to their careers, however, a significant portion of their view of themselves may come from their home lives, where they care for their families.

In either situation, being supportive of a partner is distress is an extremely important part of relationships. We enter into a relationship with the hope that we have found a partner in life. Someone who will stand by us in times of joy and in challenging times. We hope that we can count on our partner to be understanding and compassionate when disaster strikes.

How do we accomplish this task? It is our responsibility in our relationship to view our partner as a whole person. Someone who, like us, has issues and problems. When we accept that each of us is human and may suffer during difficult times, we can be empathetic. Stress created during economic downturns is likely not the fault of any family member. We can offer a sympathetic ear, lighten the mood with humor, try to plan inexpensive fun activities and make the best of our time together.

If our partner's suffering begins to impact the relationship a discussion may be in order. We cannot allow walls to be built during times of stress when partners need each other's support the most. We must take the inititative and reach out to open lines of communication. Listening attentively while a partner airs their concerns, offering support and asking pertinent questions to encourage further exploration of feelings are all ways of increasing connection and decreasing tension and frustration. Some partners may need additional time with hobbies for relaxation and reflection.

If partners cannot bridge the tension a session with a relationship counselor may be of help. Often times partners are stuck in a myopic view and merely need a disinterested third party to show them a new way of viewing their situation. Taking action to protect the relationship is vital. Building bridges, not walls, is the goal in healthy relationships.

These difficult economic times will eventually pass. Once the markets have grown through the challenges and customers have regained their confidence in spending, tensions at work will ease. In the interim we use our tools, practice self care, support our partner and protect our relationships through open communication.

Confusion Meta-Communication and Mixed Messages

What does the term meta-communication mean? How do meta-messages effect our ability to decipher the information we receive?

Meta is a term from the Greek meaning with, or underneath. In meta-communication, we refer to the additional cues that accompany verbalization in the form of body language, facial expressions and sounds. When we are irritated with our partner we may roll our eyes, sigh, slam doors, tap our foot or purse our lips. When we are pleased with our partner we may smile, leave our arms open or hug. These are all obvious forms of meta-communication. They send meta-messages that speak volumes about our emotions.

In our daily lives we read meta-communication constantly. It comes at us at a furious pace. Most meta-communication is absorbed on a sub conscious level without our ever realizing it. We consciously acknowledge our partner's pleasure in seeing us when they smile upon our arrival, but the additional signals we absorb tell us much more than pleasure. We can sense other emotions as well from their stance, hand use, eye contact, facial expressions and other body language.

When we talk with someone we receive a continuous flow of signals from them regarding how they feel about what they are saying. There are times when we sense that the meta-messages we receive clash with what we are being told. We call these mixed messages. We may be hearing one thing, but our partner's underlying emotions are sending their own meta-messages. Since the two disagree we feel peculiar about what we experience. We might not be able to verbalize what we feel, but something just isn't right. We feel the difference between the verbal communication and the meta-communication and label it a gut feeling.

The way we interpret meta-messages varies based on our own view. Since we are left without direct verbalization, we fill in the blanks ourselves. This creates even more confusion. If we have unresolved issues they can effect what we believe regarding this dichotomy.

An example: One partner decides to visit an auto supply store on the way home from the office in order to pick up parts for the car. Fixing up the car is a hobby enjoyed during free time. When the usual time has passed without a call informing of a late arrival, a worried partner begins to assume that something has gone awry. Thoughts swirl around events from past relationships. Tensions mount. When the two are finally together, accusations fly. One accuses the other of being inconsiderate and not calling to advise of a late arrival. The other accuses of being unable to have time to pursue hobbies and interests. Neither of the partners are revealing the underlying truth.

One partner has fears associated with past relationships where monogamy was not reciprocated. The other has fears associated with a controlling parent who didn't permit free time and expected adult levels of responsibility during childhood. The meta-messages clarify what is not being said in the conversation. One partner could have called on the way from the office to advise of a late arrival. Due to fears of being controlled and not permitted time to pursue hobbies as a child, the call was not made. The other partner made assumptions about behavior based on past wounds that were not applicable to the current relationship.

This argument might have been averted if the underlying truth had been spoken by both parties. Instead of angry accusing words regarding inconsiderate time use, shared fears related to past wounds might have allowed an offer of comfort and reassurance. Instead of justifications regarding behavior meant to avoid being controlled, open discussion might have produced a chance for a realization that hobbies and interests were actually supported.

The meta-communication reveals that these two partners are verbalizing only part of their needs. The underlying messages which effect their thinking patterns are sent in non-verbal ways: angry looks, distancing behaviors, curt responses, tense voices, slammed doors and distrustful glances. Both partners feel the dichotomy in their tensed gut.

Meta-communication allows us to experience the underlying message that may not be shared. We learn to trust our gut feelings realizing that we and our partners are not always aware of the motivation behind our actions. We can increase our understanding of our partner through this realization. As we continue to use our tools for self care in our daily lives, we increase our awareness of our own communication and the meta-messages we send and receive. As we practice self care we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of effective communication.

Is It Already Too Late to Save Ourselves?

Yesterday was April 26th. It was sunny and about 85 degrees outside in New York City. Although we all enjoyed the early summer day it was worrisome. Today was the warmest day on record. Watching a science briefing on the results of the recent arctic studies cemented the concerns.

The sea ice in the arctic is melting faster than the scientific models have predicted. There is new evidence that we could see a complete melting of sea ice in the summer months only about five years from now. The melting of the sea ice would cause the earth's Arctic Ocean to heat up faster, as ice reflects the sun's rays back into space like a mirror whereas the oceans absorb heat. That would warm the arctic region releasing vast amounts of methane trapped in the currently frozen permafrost. Methane is a greenhouse gas with a much greater capacity for heat retention than carbon dioxide. This could heat up our planet to uninhabitable levels in some areas.

The Greenland ice sheet is the largest fresh water reserve in the world, next to Antarctica. It is currently melting faster than scientific models have predicted as well. The melting of this glacial area could cause a substantial rise in the water level of the earths oceans leaving coastal areas permanently under water. The estimated rise in the water table of earth's oceans has been estimated to be as much as twenty feet.

Additionally, adding that much fresh water could cause a dilution in the salinity of the seas, slowing or stopping the North Atlantic Current. This current is responsible for bringing warm sea water from the southern Atlantic Ocean up through Nova Scotia and across to Europe where it ultimately cools and returns to the southern seas. Without this pattern, the southern seas would become warmer and warmer. This current is responsible for the moderate temperatures that North America and Europe currently enjoy. Without those moderating currents, the Northern hemisphere would be substantially colder than it is now.

The increase in the temperature of the southern seas, due to the cessation of the North Atlantic Current, would spawn more super storms all over the world (eg: hurricanes Katrina, Rita and Ike). We could have arid areas experiencing extreme water shortages as well as other areas that suffer massive flooding. Permanently flooded coastal areas could resettle large populations inland causing additional drains on already scarce resources.

There are viable solutions to address the increased carbon dioxide dilemma. We have the technology to produce enough power from renewable energy sources right now. We need funding from government and private industry to create a cleaner future. It is time for corporate greed to be replace by the vision of a habitable planet for our children and grandchildren. We must act within the very near future to save humanity from the devastation that may follow further increases in greenhouse gas levels. It will not matter to our children that they have a balanced budget if they don't have a planet upon which they can live. We must invest in clean energy and solve this crisis before it is too late.

What is Caretaking Anyway? Isn't it Taking Care of Those We Love?

Why does caretaking cause problems in our relationships? What exactly is the difference between caretaking and taking care of our partner?

There are times in every relationship when we do activities or chores for another as part of our loving behavior. We may occasionally take out the garbage late at night after our partner has gone to sleep, although it is not our chore. We may stop at the hardware store and pick up that new window glass to save our partner the trip, if we are in the area and have extra time. These type of acts are typical behaviors of people in healthy relationships.

Then there are the other times. Times when we do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. We are ready for bed. Our partner calls to us from the laundry room that there are no clean uniforms available for the next morning. While our partner goes off to sleep we get up and put in a wash of uniforms. We too have to get up for work in the morning. We feel angry and resentful that we have to compensate for their forgetfulness in not taking care of their laundry. We complain to our partner that they are inconsiderate and irresponsible in leaving the wash for the last minute. An argument ensues. We are caretaking.

The hallmark emotion that alerts us to the difference between caretaking and taking care is anger and resentment. When we are busy doing for others what they can and should be doing for themselves, we have an unspoken agenda. We may call it help, but it really is a form of control. Instead of letting outcomes unfold naturally, we are actively manipulating outcomes to serve our own needs. If our partner had not opted to get up and put in a wash, they might have worn a dirty pair to work the following day. Had we allowed our partner to take responsibility for their own uniforms, we would not have felt angry and resentful, and an argument may have been averted.

When we caretake we create an atmosphere where others feel treated as if they are incompetent. This underlying feeling of incompetence may accurately reflect some of our thoughts. Caretaking and controlling sets up a peculiar energy that others may feel. Our resentment may create tension and anxiety. Our partners irritation with our caretaking and ensuing attitude may also be palpable. We send out mixed messages. Our actions may indicate willingness, but our emotions say otherwise. This dichotomy creates confusion causing effective communication to break down.

When we practice self care we avoid the trap that caretaking creates. We decide whether we wish to comply with requests. If we agree, we do so free of expectations. We are not seeking control, but rather doing what we have been asked out of love. This changes how we experience our choices. We can relax and feel good about ourselves. We can take care of those we love without sacrificing our own self esteem in the process. We can learn to say no when we feel the need. We will come to understand that when we let go and allow others to take care of themselves, they will pick up the slack and make our lives more pleasant. We use our tools to guide us through the maze of requests. In this way we practice self care and increase our self esteem.

Are You Being Emotionally Abused? Is Your Partner Cruel?

Why are some people cruel? What happens inside to transform someone from being an average person to one who hurts others? Are cruel people aware of how they appear from the outside?

There are times when each of us has moments of cruelty. It is part of the human dynamic. But there are some folks who seem to live in that dynamic often. How do we cope if that person is our partner? What do we do to take care of ourselves in that situation? When we are involved in a relationship we see all facets our partner. Some parts of their persona may be warm, passionate, empathetic, understanding and joyful. These are the parts that lead us to love. There may be other portions of their persona that are less positive.

When we are involved with someone who is cruel important decisions lie ahead. Cruelty is emotional abuse. We have much to consider when living with an emotional abuser. Can the cruelty be stemmed? Is the cruel partner willing to change their behavior? Are we willing to set effective boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm? Are we at risk? These questions are vital if we are to practice self care.

A note: If we are at risk for physical injury we must take action to protect ourselves and others for whom we are responsible. Seeking help is imperative and must be undertaken immediately. There are 24 hour hotlines in every area dedicated to prevention of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE or on line at http://www.ndvh.org/.

Cruelty happens when we are wounded. When an event or series of events in our past creates extreme emotional pain, it injures us in a way that creates fear and shame. We may be afraid that we will re-experience the trauma that wounded us. Our defense mechanisms work to protect us from this outcome. We may feel great shame surrounding the incident or series of incidents. Our defenses work to keep the shame a secret from ourselves and others. Keeping up the defenses we adopt due to fear and shame, robs us of the energy we could be using to enjoy our lives. Living in denial is exhausting. When we have locked ourselves out from experiencing our emotions we may escape pain, but feeling numb keeps us from experiencing the joy of being alive.

When we feel threatened we may respond with our defenses. If we feel fear we may exhibit an exaggerated response in the form of rejection and hostility. Our defenses are attempting to protect us from harm by pushing away the threat. We may appear disrespectful and demeaning to others, particularly to the person posing the threat. What happens when the threat is intimacy? When our fears surround intimacy our partner becomes the source of the threat. Their attempts to facilitate closeness and connection may trigger our fear. We may react subconsciously without even realizing that we are behaving cruelly. Our partner may feel disrespected and demeaned finding our actions confusing. We may be sending mixed messages, saying that we desire closeness and intimacy, but behaving in ways that push our partner away.

Shame may cause us to react to a perceived threat with hostility and rage. We are reminded of the secret we hide from ourselves and others. The pain of remembering is excruciating. We may react to re-experiencing the trauma of the original shaming event or series of events with an array of negative emotions. Our core is threatened and our defenses arrive to protect us from further harm. We react with cruelty. We may spew venomous sarcasm or caustic remarks. We may shut down completely refusing to engage on any level. We may collapse into tears and recriminations.

When fear surfaces we have tools available to help us respond rather than react. We can choose to allow ourselves to feel the fear. We remind ourselves that this too shall pass. Once we let ourselves experience the full impact of the emotion, we learn that feelings are not permanent.
They are like a wave crashing on a beach. The wave approaches getting larger and more threatening. It finally crashes on the sand, then dribbles away back into the ocean. Feelings also come in waves. They arrive, build, may overwhelm for a few moments (crash), then in an environment of self care they dissipate.

Shame arrives through the back door. We may not be aware when we are feeling shamed. We may only feel our defenses stirring up hostility and rage. The best method of handling shame is to openly discuss the original incident or incidents in a safe environment, such as a support group or counseling session. There we can explore our emotions and the feelings they engender. We may be having issues with anger or hostility in our relationships. These symptoms may indicate that we have unresolved shame issues. When we fail to deal with our issues in a way that encourages personal growth, our shame leaks out in the form of venomous attacks on those with whom we are closest.

The long term damage that cruelty causes cannot be underestimated. Eventually the partner subjected to these extreme forms of anger may collapse emotionally. This may lead to a variety of endings, none of which are positive. The abused partner may decide to leave the relationship, or opt for emotional withdrawal. Some partners choose to find fulfillment outside the relationship. The wounds of the past can be healed and cruel behavior patterns can end. The answer is help and self care. Learning to practice our tools can lessen the pain of the past while increasing our self esteem. As we feel better about ourselves and our behavior we are more able to practice self control and esteem building activities.

We must first face ourselves with honesty. We begin by taking responsibility for our actions. Our next step is to seek support and guidance. This is a journey that we cannot undertake alone. As we learn to take care of ourselves and recognize when we are feeling fear and shame we increase our self esteem. We use our tools to practice self care and give those we love the respect and compassion they deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of growth.

Shock & Awe... American Terrorism and Torture

Over the past weeks I have been listening to the information about TORTURE committed at the hand of Americans... I have been feeling the shame that comes with knowing that the government of MY country... the ones who talked about how much better America was than the rest of the world... the ones who said that the terrorists were animals... just allowed ME to feel that I am part of that animal world... that MY country is now a part of the group of THEM... the one's who perpetrate inhumane behavior... simulated drowning... putting people in small boxes with rodents or insects... forced nakedness... extreme heat or cold... being hung by chains from the ceiling... forced to stay awake for days on end... sensory deprivation for days followed by sensory overload... repeated beatings... and more...

What kind of human beings believe that this type of behavior is acceptable in ANY situation? Why would anyone ever choose to perpetrate these crimes against humanity repeatedly in the name of freedom? What kind of freedom is America selling anyway? Shock and Awe!! Disaster Capitalism!!

I have been an American my whole life. I recall traveling abroad as a young teen and feeling proud of my heritage. I remember the pride I experienced when young people in Europe looked upon my citizenship with a mixture of envy and curiosity. Much has changed in the forty years since I was a teen.

America has become a country of arrogance where the term democracy has been replaced by corporate greed and congressional lobbyists. Now when I travel outside America I feel the hesitance of foreigners who wonder if I too am an arrogant American. The eager hand of friendship I once enjoyed during my travels is gone. It has been replaced by the cold shoulder. Can I blame people for feeling this way? They don't really know me, they only know the politics of the most recent American government and the arrogance displayed in it's policies.

I feel a great loss. I was once proud to be an American. I now hesitate. I would like to be proud once again, but that would take humility on the part of my government to admit that the policies of the recent administration were a massive mistake. The arrogance that was displayed was a huge error. Allowing ourselves to think that somehow America knew best and that our government had the right to impose our way of thinking on other peoples. I am doubtful that this level of humility is actually possible. I would like to believe that the current administration has the capacity to reach out to heal the giant rift created over the past years of divisive policies.

I don't know if other countries leaders are willing to trust America again. We have betrayed their trust. Instead of being part of the solution, we became the problem. We might have printed on our money... In Greed We Trust... it would have been largely the truth. I hope with all my heart that this horrendous mistake can be corrected. Those who have perpetrated it must be permitted to feel the full responsibility for their crimes against humanity.

It must not be said that America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave. We must punish those who have tarnished the face of the Statue of Liberty. We must cleanse ourselves of these horrific criminal activities and purify our nation once again. If we are to be the light of the world, we must walk the talk.

That's How You See Me? That's Not How I See Myself!!

How do we appear to our partner when we are upset and angry? When we feel like the victim, what do others see in our response?

We cannot underestimate the importance of the message we intend vis a vis the message received when we communicate with others. How we feel on the inside is clearly different from what we project on the outside. When we feel victimized on the inside we may seem
abrasive and hostile on the outside. We may be feeling self rightous on the inside as regards the areas where we feel like the victim, but what we project seems defensive and rejecting toward others.

This disparity between how we perceive ourselves and how others see us may be one of the causes of negative responses when we try to communicate dissatisfaction within our relationship. We may have legitimate areas which require discussion and compromise, but if our communication is laced with negative emotion, our real message may get buried under all the unspoken hostility.

Those who see themselves as victims tend to feel hostile and angry. It is difficult to communicate effectively when our anger is leaking out during conversation. Our partner senses the unspoken issues and without any guidelines may fill in the blanks with their own misinformation. This can lead to serious misunderstandings making communication even more difficult.

The communication style known as dialoging is an important tool for avoiding some of the pitfalls in relational conversation. In dialoging partners reflect back both the spoken and unspoken messages that have been received during conversation. Rather than repeating the words back, partners interpret the spoken messages as well as the body language and emotions sensed. This type of communication gives partners the opportunity to really listen to one another. They are feeling heard, yet more importantly, understood and validated. There is a vast difference between parroting the words said and reflecting the entire meaning within a communication.

Realizing that we are not as we see ourselves is an important first step in learning effective communication skills. Our intentions have no meaning to others. They cannot sense what we mean, only what we say and project through body language. When we are aware of this disparity, we can make every effort to be as honest and open as possible in our conversation to attempt to avoid miscommunication and mixed messages.

We practice using our tools in our daily lives to enable us to put feeling words to our emotions. This part of self care allows us to process our emotions. In doing so, we become increasingly aware of how we feel and may appear to others. As we use our tools we increase our self esteem and give ourselves the gift of effective communication.