We see the world not as it is, but as we are.
This is a fundamental truth. People see the world through their own eyes and no one else's. The experiences of their lives form the basis for the lens through which they view the world and those in it. Native Americans have a saying that aptly addressed this most basic truth: "I shall not judge a man until I have walked a mile in his moccasins." We try without success to see the world through the eyes of another. The best we can hope to accomplish is empathy.
In our relationships we may have times when we need to be able to see our partners point of view. When we disagree it is imperative that we recall that our lens through which we view the world was created in our family of origin. A family that we no longer live with on a daily basis. The way in which our caretakers interacted with one another colors our beliefs about how we behave with our partner. If our caretakers were gentle and open with one another it is likely that we will display that behavior in our relationships.
But what if our caretakers were not warm and balanced with one another? We may have had one caretaker who manipulated and cajoled their partner in order to have their way. Although we may not have been able to verbalize what we witnessed at the time, due to our youth, we incorporated the lessons we saw into our memory. Over time we may have perceived the imbalance as weakness on the part of the manipulated caretaker and become intolerant of weakness in others as a result.
If one of our caretakers was cruel or abusive toward their partner, we may have unintentionally adopted their style, as we may have seen the abused partner as a weak and ineffective adult. Adult relationships are complex. As children we do not have the mental capacity to interpret or understand the nuances we witness.
When we enter into adult relationships we may attempt to correct the imbalances we witnessed in our caretakers interactions, in our own relationship. We must come to realize that attempting to fix the imbalances we witnessed in our caretakers relationship, by duplicating them in our own relationships, is not possible nor desirable. In adopting the patterns of our caretakers we are taking on problems that we did not create and cannot solve.
Once we become aware of our patterns and how we are duplicating those of our family of origin we can begin the long journey back to a healthy relationship. Breaking free from the patterns of our family of origin is difficult work that requires we become willing to see ourselves with all of our warts. It is not work to be undertaken lightly. It requires the guidance of a counselor capable of steering us through the maze of feelings and beliefs in order to peel away the inaccuracies within.
As we begin our journey we reach out to our higher power for guidance and wisdom. This path is one that many have travelled before us. We place one foot in front of the other not knowing where the path will lead, but having faith that we are exactly where we need to be to learn the lessons we must to move forward with our lives.
We use our tools to help us cope as we walk the path of recovery into light from darkness.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Living Your Own Life - Together
Inter-dependent relationships are the most healthy and productive. What does it take to create and sustain an inter-dependent relationship?
It is vital for each party to a relationship to have their own life in addition to the life they share with their partner. Personal space is vital to each parties ability to have an independent identity apart from the other. It allows each partner to bring their own lives to the relationship as a gift, enriching the relationship in the process. The whole then truly becomes greater than the sum of its parts as each partner has the opportunity to learn from and revel in the accomplishments of the other.
Imagine how dull life would be if each of us were the same. There would be no surprises, nothing new to discover, no new paths to walk, just the same old routine day after day. When relationships become dull and routine partners may begin to feel bored. Boredom is toxic to the health of the relationship. It is like a cancer that spreads slowly, seeping into all parts, making the time together difficult and unpleasant.
It is vital for partners to have interesting and productive individual lives, whether they have a career or are homemakers. Having interests and hobbies may be one way for partners to keep their intellect alive and their ability to be interesting people flourishing. There is no quicker way to kill the relationship than to bring nothing new to it on an ongoing basis. Sewing the seeds of boredom quickly brings contented partners into discontent.
Equally important is couple time for partners. When relationships include family, whether children or extended family, partners may become overly involved with familial obligations and begin to neglect their partnership. Over time a neglected relationship begins to die. Making time on a regular basis for a date night is vital to keeping the emotional intimacy alive between partners. If funds are tight, taking a walk together after dinner may be enough for partners to reconnect after a hectic day. Being alone as partners allows for sharing of intimate feelings without distraction or interruption.
When we take the time to invest in our own lives and create interests and hobbies we bring ourselves happiness that is dependent on no one else. This is vital to our mental health. When we are happy individually we do not depend on others for our emotional stability. We become capable of providing ourselves with a fulfilling life. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. We bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship, not an albatross of dependency to be hung around our partners neck.
We use our tools to develop our gifts and abilities as whole rounded human beings. In this way we increase our self esteem and our inner happiness. Our relationship grows as we feed our inner selves and allow our partner the same privilege. In this way we give ourselves and our relationship the gift of inter-dependence.
It is vital for each party to a relationship to have their own life in addition to the life they share with their partner. Personal space is vital to each parties ability to have an independent identity apart from the other. It allows each partner to bring their own lives to the relationship as a gift, enriching the relationship in the process. The whole then truly becomes greater than the sum of its parts as each partner has the opportunity to learn from and revel in the accomplishments of the other.
Imagine how dull life would be if each of us were the same. There would be no surprises, nothing new to discover, no new paths to walk, just the same old routine day after day. When relationships become dull and routine partners may begin to feel bored. Boredom is toxic to the health of the relationship. It is like a cancer that spreads slowly, seeping into all parts, making the time together difficult and unpleasant.
It is vital for partners to have interesting and productive individual lives, whether they have a career or are homemakers. Having interests and hobbies may be one way for partners to keep their intellect alive and their ability to be interesting people flourishing. There is no quicker way to kill the relationship than to bring nothing new to it on an ongoing basis. Sewing the seeds of boredom quickly brings contented partners into discontent.
Equally important is couple time for partners. When relationships include family, whether children or extended family, partners may become overly involved with familial obligations and begin to neglect their partnership. Over time a neglected relationship begins to die. Making time on a regular basis for a date night is vital to keeping the emotional intimacy alive between partners. If funds are tight, taking a walk together after dinner may be enough for partners to reconnect after a hectic day. Being alone as partners allows for sharing of intimate feelings without distraction or interruption.
When we take the time to invest in our own lives and create interests and hobbies we bring ourselves happiness that is dependent on no one else. This is vital to our mental health. When we are happy individually we do not depend on others for our emotional stability. We become capable of providing ourselves with a fulfilling life. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. We bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship, not an albatross of dependency to be hung around our partners neck.
We use our tools to develop our gifts and abilities as whole rounded human beings. In this way we increase our self esteem and our inner happiness. Our relationship grows as we feed our inner selves and allow our partner the same privilege. In this way we give ourselves and our relationship the gift of inter-dependence.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Why Do You Talk To Me Like That?
Emotional abuse can be more difficult to detect and more damaging to our sense of self than physical abuse.
When we are being struck we can react to the immediacy of the threat. We are acutely aware of the risk to our safety. There is little doubt as to the violation we are experiencing. Physical violence generally occurs in relationships sporadically. There are episodes, followed by periods of calm which may extend for days, weeks or longer.
Emotional abuse is much more subtle. It generally involves denigrating comments, sarcastic or caustic remarks, or emotional absence. Since it may occur on a daily basis it is more insidious. It may involve a continuous stream of verbal degradation that erodes our self esteem like sand on a beach. Living in this environment of constant tension, the abused partner feels as though they are constantly walking on egg shells. Try as they may, the abuser finds reasons to continue the verbal onslaught.
The critical piece of the puzzle is the realization that abusers don't abuse because they are unhappy with their partner or any other part of their life, they abuse because they have lost touch with the part of themselves that recognizes and values others. This may be called self involvement, selfishness, lack of compassion, narcissism or immaturity. The truth is that the label is unimportant. The effect that the behavior has on the abused partner is traumatic.
One of the reasons that the effect is so marked is that abusers often appear emotionally available and empathetic during the courting phase of a relationship. When that phase ends and the abuse begins, partners often wish to believe that the real person, the one they loved during the courtship phase, is within. The partner may believe that the abuser will return to their former loving self when their conditions are met and demands satisfied.
This could not be further from the truth. The only way for an abuser to change their behavior is to recognize their lack of empathy for others and begin to see themselves as others do. Generally, abusers see themselves as victims and lash out in response. The efforts of their partner in telling them how their behavior affects the relationship feeds into the victim role and adds to the response of abuse.
The abused partner may eventually tire of continuously being berated and become angry or bitter. At this point stiff emotional penalties will become apparent within the relationship. The abused partner may announce a no tolerance policy and begin to avoid interactions. The abuser now faces a choice: change or lose the relationship.
Emotional abuse is one of the most difficult areas to clearly identify within relationships. There is never an acceptable reason or excuse for abuse. Each of us has a choice about how we interact with others. We may become angry or upset with those with whom we are in relationships, but we must choose not to allow ourselves to abuse or be abused. When we behave in concert with our inner values we will be at peace with ourselves and feel comfortable in our own skin. We use our tools to increase our self esteem, find our values and make quality decisions about how we want our relationships to function. In this way we give ourselves the gift of inner peace.
When we are being struck we can react to the immediacy of the threat. We are acutely aware of the risk to our safety. There is little doubt as to the violation we are experiencing. Physical violence generally occurs in relationships sporadically. There are episodes, followed by periods of calm which may extend for days, weeks or longer.
Emotional abuse is much more subtle. It generally involves denigrating comments, sarcastic or caustic remarks, or emotional absence. Since it may occur on a daily basis it is more insidious. It may involve a continuous stream of verbal degradation that erodes our self esteem like sand on a beach. Living in this environment of constant tension, the abused partner feels as though they are constantly walking on egg shells. Try as they may, the abuser finds reasons to continue the verbal onslaught.
The critical piece of the puzzle is the realization that abusers don't abuse because they are unhappy with their partner or any other part of their life, they abuse because they have lost touch with the part of themselves that recognizes and values others. This may be called self involvement, selfishness, lack of compassion, narcissism or immaturity. The truth is that the label is unimportant. The effect that the behavior has on the abused partner is traumatic.
One of the reasons that the effect is so marked is that abusers often appear emotionally available and empathetic during the courting phase of a relationship. When that phase ends and the abuse begins, partners often wish to believe that the real person, the one they loved during the courtship phase, is within. The partner may believe that the abuser will return to their former loving self when their conditions are met and demands satisfied.
This could not be further from the truth. The only way for an abuser to change their behavior is to recognize their lack of empathy for others and begin to see themselves as others do. Generally, abusers see themselves as victims and lash out in response. The efforts of their partner in telling them how their behavior affects the relationship feeds into the victim role and adds to the response of abuse.
The abused partner may eventually tire of continuously being berated and become angry or bitter. At this point stiff emotional penalties will become apparent within the relationship. The abused partner may announce a no tolerance policy and begin to avoid interactions. The abuser now faces a choice: change or lose the relationship.
Emotional abuse is one of the most difficult areas to clearly identify within relationships. There is never an acceptable reason or excuse for abuse. Each of us has a choice about how we interact with others. We may become angry or upset with those with whom we are in relationships, but we must choose not to allow ourselves to abuse or be abused. When we behave in concert with our inner values we will be at peace with ourselves and feel comfortable in our own skin. We use our tools to increase our self esteem, find our values and make quality decisions about how we want our relationships to function. In this way we give ourselves the gift of inner peace.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
You Can't Drug Yourself to Health
Supplements are taken to fill in the holes in our diet. They are supposed to give us the missing pieces in our nutritional puzzle. We try to do our best to eat a balanced diet: limit fats to the healthier variety, eat more complex carbs, limit sugar, eat less red meat, eat more fruits and vegetables, etc., etc. We take a multi vitamin that we hope breaks down in our digestive system.
There are problems in the supplement market. One of those is the fact that there is actually no real regulation of supplements. We buy our products from reputable manufacturers in the hopes that what is on the label is what is in the product. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Although there is oversight by the FDA with regard to supplements, the FDA is not qualified to do the work and doesn't have the time or the staff available due to overwhelming submissions from drug companies. All of this is problematic, as supplements are intended to help us get healthier.
The real issue concerns herbs. We often take herbs as if they were supplements. They look good on the shelf in the health food store, we read the label and conclude that we might benefit from their therapeutic effects. Unfortunately, we are completely unaware that herbs are in fact drugs in their natural form: Digitalis(heart regulating medication) originally comes from Fox Glove, aspirin from White Willow bark.
The benefit of herbal remedies are enormous. Herbs are whole plants. They contain the active constituents needed to aid the body in its natural healing process. Herbs also contain micro-nutrients and other constituents that complement the healing process and give balance to the effect on the body, thereby avoiding most side effects experienced from drugs. Herbal remedies when prescribed by a Master Herbalist, are generally taken in a combination designed to cleanse the body of build up and toxins, aid the part of the body needing to heal and balance the medicinal effect with a tonic. This type of treatment is the most effective and safest use of herbs. When taken in this way, herbal remedies can aid the body to heal a vast array of disease processes without unpleasant or dangerous side effects.
Many drugs given to clients for long term ailments, such as high blood pressure, have devastating side effects that can significantly impact the clients quality of life. Since the risk of not addressing the disease is so great, most clients take their Rx's and suffer in silence. Early intervention with herbal remedies may, in some cases, lessen or remove the need for drug therapy. The lessening or elimination of side effects significantly improves clients quality of life.
Educating the general public as to the dangers present in taking herbal remedies without adequate counsel from a Master Herbalist is paramount. Medical practitioners are not always aware of drug/herb interactions and may not ask clients what herbal remedies or supplements are being taken. It is vital that medical practitioners become more knowledgeable regarding drug/herb interactions and continue to query clients regarding their regimen.
There are problems in the supplement market. One of those is the fact that there is actually no real regulation of supplements. We buy our products from reputable manufacturers in the hopes that what is on the label is what is in the product. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Although there is oversight by the FDA with regard to supplements, the FDA is not qualified to do the work and doesn't have the time or the staff available due to overwhelming submissions from drug companies. All of this is problematic, as supplements are intended to help us get healthier.
The real issue concerns herbs. We often take herbs as if they were supplements. They look good on the shelf in the health food store, we read the label and conclude that we might benefit from their therapeutic effects. Unfortunately, we are completely unaware that herbs are in fact drugs in their natural form: Digitalis(heart regulating medication) originally comes from Fox Glove, aspirin from White Willow bark.
The benefit of herbal remedies are enormous. Herbs are whole plants. They contain the active constituents needed to aid the body in its natural healing process. Herbs also contain micro-nutrients and other constituents that complement the healing process and give balance to the effect on the body, thereby avoiding most side effects experienced from drugs. Herbal remedies when prescribed by a Master Herbalist, are generally taken in a combination designed to cleanse the body of build up and toxins, aid the part of the body needing to heal and balance the medicinal effect with a tonic. This type of treatment is the most effective and safest use of herbs. When taken in this way, herbal remedies can aid the body to heal a vast array of disease processes without unpleasant or dangerous side effects.
Many drugs given to clients for long term ailments, such as high blood pressure, have devastating side effects that can significantly impact the clients quality of life. Since the risk of not addressing the disease is so great, most clients take their Rx's and suffer in silence. Early intervention with herbal remedies may, in some cases, lessen or remove the need for drug therapy. The lessening or elimination of side effects significantly improves clients quality of life.
Educating the general public as to the dangers present in taking herbal remedies without adequate counsel from a Master Herbalist is paramount. Medical practitioners are not always aware of drug/herb interactions and may not ask clients what herbal remedies or supplements are being taken. It is vital that medical practitioners become more knowledgeable regarding drug/herb interactions and continue to query clients regarding their regimen.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Why Aren't I Happy When Everything Is Perfect?
"Happiness isn't out there, it's in here", she said pointing to her chest.
A profound statement. Being happy is not something we aspire to once we get our to do list completed. Happiness is not what we get when we find the one. We don't suddenly become happy when we are in the right relationship with the right partner living in the right house with the right kids and the right dog.
Happiness is an inside job. It's something we make our personal responsibility to work on every day. Some of us are more optimistic than others. We see the glass as half full. We see the silver lining in the clouds. We give people some slack. That doesn't mean that we don't have to make an effort to be happy. It just means that for us, maybe its a little easier. It may even mean that we are more willing to do what it takes to see the better side of life. We are more willing to be ahead of the weather rather than under the weather.
Much of the way we see life comes from our family of origin. We learn from our caretakers by watching how they deal with adversity. When our caretakers have the ability to rebound from setbacks and keep on keepin' on, we learn that lesson. We learn to use our struggle muscle.
We all have setbacks and disappointments in life. Our ability to bounce back and regain our balance is of prime importance in our ability to be happy. When we can take a trial in stride and either try again or learn from it, our self esteem increases. We see ourselves in a positive light, as triumphant. We all get knocked down on occasion. Our ability to get back up and keep on our path is key to our sense of value and our happiness.
When we are living our lives in sync with our personal values and goals we will feel our best. We may have setbacks and disappointments along the road, but if we are happy within ourselves we will be able to regain our balance and continue along our chosen path. We practice self care in our daily lives to increase our self esteem and improve our ability to bounce back from setbacks. As we use our tools and move along our chosen path, we have faith that we are not alone. We walk with may others who use the same tools. In this way our efforts yield us our ultimate gift, happiness.
A profound statement. Being happy is not something we aspire to once we get our to do list completed. Happiness is not what we get when we find the one. We don't suddenly become happy when we are in the right relationship with the right partner living in the right house with the right kids and the right dog.
Happiness is an inside job. It's something we make our personal responsibility to work on every day. Some of us are more optimistic than others. We see the glass as half full. We see the silver lining in the clouds. We give people some slack. That doesn't mean that we don't have to make an effort to be happy. It just means that for us, maybe its a little easier. It may even mean that we are more willing to do what it takes to see the better side of life. We are more willing to be ahead of the weather rather than under the weather.
Much of the way we see life comes from our family of origin. We learn from our caretakers by watching how they deal with adversity. When our caretakers have the ability to rebound from setbacks and keep on keepin' on, we learn that lesson. We learn to use our struggle muscle.
We all have setbacks and disappointments in life. Our ability to bounce back and regain our balance is of prime importance in our ability to be happy. When we can take a trial in stride and either try again or learn from it, our self esteem increases. We see ourselves in a positive light, as triumphant. We all get knocked down on occasion. Our ability to get back up and keep on our path is key to our sense of value and our happiness.
When we are living our lives in sync with our personal values and goals we will feel our best. We may have setbacks and disappointments along the road, but if we are happy within ourselves we will be able to regain our balance and continue along our chosen path. We practice self care in our daily lives to increase our self esteem and improve our ability to bounce back from setbacks. As we use our tools and move along our chosen path, we have faith that we are not alone. We walk with may others who use the same tools. In this way our efforts yield us our ultimate gift, happiness.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Processing Grief
Working through grief is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our lives. When we lose someone we love, whether through death, divorce or simply a relationship that ends, we can feel a great deal of pain and anguish. It may be helpful during grieving to be aware that there is a range of reactions, and that all may be part of the process.
Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.
Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.
After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.
When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.
Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.
The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.
It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.
Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.
Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.
After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.
When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.
Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.
The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.
It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Negative Attention Is Better Than None
Negative attention is better than none. We parents know what that means when we think of disciplining our children. How does this concept apply in our adult relationships?
When we are dealing with our partner we may need to set boundaries in certain areas of our lives as a part of self care. We do so in a loving way, letting our partner know that we value them and our relationship. Many times when we set a new boundary we will get change back messages telling us that our partner is not readily accepting this new development. There may be refusal to go along as well as much complaining.
If we have been practicing self care and using our tools we are prepared for this eventuality and may expect that it will happen. We lovingly keep our word and allow our partner time to adjust to the new boundary. During this time it is imperative that we ignore the negative attention that change back messages engender and respond with support to the positive actions our partner takes in beginning to show acceptance. We must remember that change is difficult for us as well and give our partner the time needed to absorb what has happened.
As time passes and the relationship once again begins to settle within the new boundaries, we show our appreciation for the changes our partner has made. We give them the approval they deserve to feel valued for their contribution to the relationship in accepting this new situation. It is vital to the health of our relationship that we acknowledge the difficulty that we all experience in dealing with change, reinforcing the positive behaviors of our partner and ignoring the negative whenever possible.
We all experience change as a difficult and wrenching time we would rather not have to encounter. Life hold few guarantees, but one of them is that change will occur. Our ability to accept change and acknowledge how difficult that acceptance is for others, gives us humility. It reminds us that we are all human, capable of inflexibility and myopic vision. Accepting change requires that we become more flexible and open our view to include new ideas in our lives.
As we learn to set new boundaries in our daily lives, we practice self care and use our tools to strengthen our resolve against change back messages. We increase our self esteem as we continue to live according to our inner values. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
When we are dealing with our partner we may need to set boundaries in certain areas of our lives as a part of self care. We do so in a loving way, letting our partner know that we value them and our relationship. Many times when we set a new boundary we will get change back messages telling us that our partner is not readily accepting this new development. There may be refusal to go along as well as much complaining.
If we have been practicing self care and using our tools we are prepared for this eventuality and may expect that it will happen. We lovingly keep our word and allow our partner time to adjust to the new boundary. During this time it is imperative that we ignore the negative attention that change back messages engender and respond with support to the positive actions our partner takes in beginning to show acceptance. We must remember that change is difficult for us as well and give our partner the time needed to absorb what has happened.
As time passes and the relationship once again begins to settle within the new boundaries, we show our appreciation for the changes our partner has made. We give them the approval they deserve to feel valued for their contribution to the relationship in accepting this new situation. It is vital to the health of our relationship that we acknowledge the difficulty that we all experience in dealing with change, reinforcing the positive behaviors of our partner and ignoring the negative whenever possible.
We all experience change as a difficult and wrenching time we would rather not have to encounter. Life hold few guarantees, but one of them is that change will occur. Our ability to accept change and acknowledge how difficult that acceptance is for others, gives us humility. It reminds us that we are all human, capable of inflexibility and myopic vision. Accepting change requires that we become more flexible and open our view to include new ideas in our lives.
As we learn to set new boundaries in our daily lives, we practice self care and use our tools to strengthen our resolve against change back messages. We increase our self esteem as we continue to live according to our inner values. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
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